My New and Improved Life

Today is a Tuesday, but it is definitely more like a Monday. This morning was the perfect example of my new and improved life as a mommy:

To start off, I'm now pretty much getting a whole 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night and have adjusted pretty well. Am I tired all of the time? Yes. Do I now get how people can just fall asleep anywhere... sitting up... head bobbing? Yes. (I used to watch my mom do that in church or while watching tv, etc and wonder how she could just fall asleep while sitting up - LOL)

So, today I had my usual 3:30 AM wake up from Logan demanding a feeding.(BTW, I went to bed at about 10:30, and was woken up at 12:30 for a feeding as well.) At 4:00 we both went back to sleep until 5:00 when my alarm went off. I pushed snooze once and then I jumped into the shower while he stirred in and out of sleep and while Juan also got up to start his day. The morning was following its usual path of me getting dressed, doing my  hair and make up, Juan and I both taking turns talking with Logan, making him smile, etc. (he's so happy when he first wakes up in the morning -- it really is hard to keep on task.) I pulled out a pair of black capris to wear and noticed the hem was coming undone. So I slapped a couple of safety pins on to keep the hem in place and finished dressing.

Then at about 6:00 or so we heard the familiar tell-tale noises coming from Logan indicating a "blow-out" was about to occur. I thought, "ok, great... lets see if we can keep this somewhat under control, yet not change him too soon and end up with multiple changes before he actually finishes." Juan decided it was a good time (and the usual time) for him to make a quick exit and head off to work. I checked Logan's diaper and felt it could wait a few more minutes while I finished up getting ready. That was a wrong decision! By the time I was ready to change him there was poop everywhere! Yay!! "Do we have time for a bath this morning?" It's now 6:10 and I have to be at work by 7:00. "We just have to squish it in", I thought. I quickly filled his little tub, bathed him like I was the bionic woman, as he kicked and splashed happily, and then got him dressed. 

Now we were at 6:20 and Logan decided he was hungry. Which is not unusual as I usually try to feed him right before we leave for the childcare providers. But we were running a bit later than usual, so I had a talk with my dear son and said.... "make it quick little dude.". Ha! Ha! Babies are so good at picking up on their mom's moods and since I was in a rushed, slightly panicked mood, he decided that he was going to fuss and squirm through his entire eating session. Which meant it wasn't too productive and time was running out. Finally, after a partial feeding, I gave up, put Logan in his carrier/carseat, grabbed my lunch out of the fridge, my purse, diaper bag, breast pump and accessories, and one other bag for work stuff and headed out the door (looking like some of those people in airports who decide to carry on their entire set of luggage). OH... but before doing so, since I hadn't had any breakfast, I decided to pour some dry cold cereal in a container to take to work to eat at my desk as well as make some hot chocolate (it was a chilly morning in the beautiful northwest and it sounded good) which took even more time. It's now 6:50.

We arrived at the childcare providers at 6:55 (I like to get there around 6:45, but oh well). I gave Anna a brief run down, kissed the sleepy-looking and slightly fussy Logan goodbye, and jumped into the car to head to work. While driving, I decided to sip on my hot chocolate. Next thing I know... a good portion of it is soaking into my pant leg. @%&^%$# What the heck? The lid is not on all the way. Then I notice next to the wet hot chocolate on my leg, there is a large smudge of something a bit yellow-orangy. Crap! (Literally). Sigh.... I now have labeled this day as "one of those days." I get to work at 7:10 (late!), go to the bathroom to clean up my pants, which thank goodness are black today and start my workday.

When I finally sat down to my desk, I had to chuckle just a bit at how much my life has changed. Routine and scheduling has taken on a whole new meaning (and I used to work in infant and preschool classrooms where structure was the number one priority). And yet, with all that structure you have to be flexible enough to accept interruptions and lots of imperfections. There were a few moments this morning when I was grumpy and had to apologize to dear Logan for being impatient. And also where I had to apologize to myself for letting such experiences, which make life so interesting and memorable, get to me. Now, at 8:30, after taking a short morning break, and sit here munching on dry Fruit Loops, I can laugh at the whole thing.

Sometimes You Just Have to Give In and Cry

Another milestone among many has come along this week: I returned to work yesterday, after 12 weeks of maternity leave. It has not been an easy task. Yesterday, Juan had the day off and so leaving Logan with him all day wasn't so bad. Of course I still missed him and it was the first time I had been away from him for more than 2 hours. It was also the first time Juan had cared for him all alone for so long -- and his comment after just a couple of hours into it was "I didn't know this was going to be so time consuming! I'm not getting anything done!" Hmmmm... sounds like my broken record.

Anyway, early this morning I had to leave Logan at his new caregiver's home. I held it together pretty well until I got in the car to head on to work. Sigh....

I never used to be much of a crier. I've always kind of hid behind some tough exterior that my whole family seems to have. None of us really show much emotion around each other, like it's a taboo. It's kind of sad really. But anyway, since meeting Juan, I've noticed that I have softened up quite a bit, which is rewarding most of the time. However, I find myself more prone to crying as well. And it tripled in force during my post partum blues - which is a whole other blog entry to write about. Crying at work is also not appealing. Thank goodness it's summer and the office is pretty quiet and empty.

Today's events... well... they do deserve some shedding of tears. Just like how I cried when Logan had his first shots a few weeks back. And I really doubt it will be the last of the tears. I think this childcare/back to work stuff will have me down for a while. And sometimes I just have to cry to actually feel a bit better.

On the positive side of things, I do get to go feed Logan during my lunch hour (which I'm allowed to take whenever I want to fit his schedule). I get to pump for breastmilk throughout the day at work without loss of time (although thats when I seem to tear up the most). And Logan seems to be in good care. I don't think we as moms are ever completely satisfied with someone else's care beyond our own. Or at least that seems to be how I feel. But his caregiver has 4 children of her own and seems to have a good grasp on caring for her small group of children in her home.

After returning to work from feeding Logan today, I said to a co-worker "I'm sure I'll get used to it and it won't be a big deal after a while." And with all of her wisdom and a smile she replied, "You never get used to it."