From 12/13/2007
I recently got online while at work and set out to purchase some children's books for the classrooms from Amazon.com. I found all of the books quickly and easily and made the purchase. I was quite excited to find some of these great books that I know the teachers will love. They arrived really quickly and as I opened up the first box, I noticed some thicker books. Immediately I was curious, since children's books are always quite thin. So as I stood in my office digging through the box, I pulled out one of thicker books. My first reaction when I saw what it was to quickly glance around the hall to see if anyone was looking! I had accidentally ordered 5 copies of some Women's Erotica!! Who knows how the hell they were ordered, but there they were sitting in this box amongst some very innocent children's stories. LOL I do wonder what the workers at Amazon thought as they packaged these up!
I have since boxed those 5 books back up and returned them. AND I've shared my story with those around the office who can appreciate the blunder. I do wonder however, if my subconsious is trying to tell me something!
1 Comment: Ha Ha! Well, did you really order them or did Amazon mistakenly place them in your order? Maybe it wasn't you at all. See? (Celia)
Showing posts with label HUMOR. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HUMOR. Show all posts
Saturday, August 15, 2009
BOO!!
From 10/27/2007
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I just love it!! It's autumn, it's spooky, it revolves around candy, and you get to be someone else! So, I took a couple of quizzes.
What's Your Halloween Personality?
(The results were somewhat true, but not right on.)
What Your Halloween Habits Say About You
You love the drama of Halloween.
Halloween is my favorite holiday. I just love it!! It's autumn, it's spooky, it revolves around candy, and you get to be someone else! So, I took a couple of quizzes.
What Kind of Monster Are You?
(I loved the results!!)
You Are A Vampire
You have a real thirst for bliss, and you consider yourself a true hedonist.
(I loved the results!!)
You Are A Vampire
You have a real thirst for bliss, and you consider yourself a true hedonist.
And you're not afraid to walk alone in life, if it means getting what you truly crave.
You truly enjoy entrancing people.
Not to mention the ensuing pleasures of the flesh.
Your tastes have been called decadent and bizarre.
You usually give in to your temptations, no matter how primal.
Your greatest power: Your flawless ability to seduce and charm
Your greatest weakness: Human flesh
You play well with: Werewolves
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofmonsterareyouquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofmonsterareyouquiz/
What's Your Halloween Personality?
(The results were somewhat true, but not right on.)
What Your Halloween Habits Say About You
You love the drama of Halloween.
You definitely like to have the best costume around - and everyone noticing you.
You definitely think of yourself as someone who has a dark side.
And part of having that dark side means not showing it.
Your inner child is stubborn and a bit bossy.You truly fear the dark side of humanity.
You are a true misanthrope.
You're prone to be quite emotional and over dramatic.
Deep down, you enjoy being scared out of your mind... even if you don't admit it.
You are a traditionalist with most aspects of your life.
You like your Halloween costume to be basic, well made,
and conventional enough to wear another year.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourhalloweenpersonalityquiz/
http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourhalloweenpersonalityquiz/
Friday, July 31, 2009
Reminds Me of Home
From June 2007
This was an email (a "funny") that was forwarded to me quite a long time ago. But I printed it off once, because it reminded me so much of how life was where I grew up.
Small Towns
In a small town...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H means.
3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted (see #6).
4. You used to "drag" Main.
5. You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which one would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.)
8. When you did find somebody old enough or brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on backroads to smoke them.
9. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
10. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
11. You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. "Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field..."
12. The golf course only had 9 holes (if you even had a golf course!)
13. You couldn't help but date a friend's ex boyfriend/girlfriend.
14. Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for that reason.
15. The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty," but was actually just like yours.
16. You referred to anyone with a house newer than 1965 as the "rich" people.
17. The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.
18. Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or hamburger joint.
19. You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town on one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
20. The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
21. Directions were given using the one and only stop light as a reference.
22. When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would over and ask if you wanted a ride.
23. Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
24. You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
25. The closest Mc Donalds was 25 miles away or more.
26. The closest mall was over an hour away.
27. It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
28. You've pee'd in a cornfield.
29. Most people went by a nickname.
30. Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
Such fun memories! Some of these things are still true in my hometown. Some of these are true in the small town I live in now!
This was an email (a "funny") that was forwarded to me quite a long time ago. But I printed it off once, because it reminded me so much of how life was where I grew up.
Small Towns
In a small town...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H means.
3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the woods when the party was busted (see #6).
4. You used to "drag" Main.
5. You said the "F" word and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You scheduled parties around the schedules of different police officers, because you knew which one would bust you and which ones wouldn't.
7. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents anyhow.)
8. When you did find somebody old enough or brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out into the country and drive on backroads to smoke them.
9. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.
10. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.
11. You didn't give directions by street names but rather by references. "Turn by Nelson's house, go 2 blocks to Anderson's, and it's four houses left of the track field..."
12. The golf course only had 9 holes (if you even had a golf course!)
13. You couldn't help but date a friend's ex boyfriend/girlfriend.
14. Your car stayed filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for that reason.
15. The town next to you was considered "trashy" or "snooty," but was actually just like yours.
16. You referred to anyone with a house newer than 1965 as the "rich" people.
17. The people in the "big city" dressed funny, and then you picked up the trend 2 years later.
18. Anyone you wanted could be found at the local gas station or hamburger joint.
19. You saw at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town on one of your friends driving a grain truck to school occasionally.
20. The gym teacher suggested you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
21. Directions were given using the one and only stop light as a reference.
22. When you decided to walk somewhere for exercise, 5 people would over and ask if you wanted a ride.
23. Your teachers called you by your older siblings' names.
24. You could charge at any local store or write checks without any ID.
25. The closest Mc Donalds was 25 miles away or more.
26. The closest mall was over an hour away.
27. It was normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
28. You've pee'd in a cornfield.
29. Most people went by a nickname.
30. Your teachers remembered when they taught your parents.
Such fun memories! Some of these things are still true in my hometown. Some of these are true in the small town I live in now!
Random Thoughts for the Midweek Blahs
From June 2007
Happy Wednesday!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press "Ctrl Alt Delete" and start all over?
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
When weeding the garden, the best way to make sure you're removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you ever noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt?" Or the first one to look at a cow and think, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do we strive to eat a lot of natural foods when most people die of natural causes?
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever!
When weeding the garden, the best way to make sure you're removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Have you ever noticed that since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt?" Or the first one to look at a cow and think, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if he's going to look up there anyway?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why do we strive to eat a lot of natural foods when most people die of natural causes?
Here's to Friday, which is now only two days away!
I'm Afraid I Have A Disorder Called AAADD
From 6/2007
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....YOU MAY JUST HAVE THIS DISORDER!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....YOU MAY JUST HAVE THIS DISORDER!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Journal/Scrapbooking Group (6) - A Favorite Book
From June 2007
I'm still catching up in posting my journal/scrapbooking pages from the journal group I'm in. Sigh... I should just sit down on a Saturday and post all of the ones I have to date. I am actually quite fond of the pages I've created, just because I love being creative. So I really don't mean to make it sound like it's a chore to "show them off".
In January, we were assigned to scrapbook a page about our favorite book. It was really hard for me to choose. I don't know that I have a favorite book. I'm not an avid reader, yet I do read from time to time. And my selections vary from novels, to magazines, to self-help. Then it came to me! I absolutely love to read Calvin & Hobbes comics!! So that's what I chose. The picture above is what my page looks like, including some little booklets of favorite comic strips-lying around the page-that I put inside the sheet protector when I'm not actually reading or viewing the page.
I'm still catching up in posting my journal/scrapbooking pages from the journal group I'm in. Sigh... I should just sit down on a Saturday and post all of the ones I have to date. I am actually quite fond of the pages I've created, just because I love being creative. So I really don't mean to make it sound like it's a chore to "show them off".
In January, we were assigned to scrapbook a page about our favorite book. It was really hard for me to choose. I don't know that I have a favorite book. I'm not an avid reader, yet I do read from time to time. And my selections vary from novels, to magazines, to self-help. Then it came to me! I absolutely love to read Calvin & Hobbes comics!! So that's what I chose. The picture above is what my page looks like, including some little booklets of favorite comic strips-lying around the page-that I put inside the sheet protector when I'm not actually reading or viewing the page.
My journaling for the page is also in one of these little booklets. And it states:
I WAS INTRODUCED TO CALVIN & HOBBES COMICS BY A FRIEND WHO FOUND THEM HUMOROUS AND REMINDED HIM OF TWO OF HIS YOUNGER BROTHERS. AS I BEGAN TO READ THEM, I FOUND THAT CALVIN, AND HIS DEAR PAL, HOBBES, PROVIDED ME WITH A WONDERFUL SOURCE OF COMIC RELIEF. I WOULD LAUGH SO HARD SOMETIMES, THAT MY BELLY ACHED, TEARS RAN DOWN MY CHEEKS, AND ONLOOKERS THOUGHT I'D GONE MAD! I NOW OWN MUCH OF THE BOOK COLLECTION OF BILL WATTERSON'S POPULAR COMIC STRIP. I'M SAD HE'S RETIRED, YET I'M GRATEFUL HE DID SO BEFORE LOSING HIS FLAIR.
CALVIN REMINDS ME OF ALL THAT CHILDHOOD SHOULD BE ABOUT; IMAGINARY FRIENDS AND EXAGGERATED ADVENTURES, DISOBEDIENCE TO RULES AND BOUNDARIES, CHILDHOOD MOCKING OF ALL THAT IS ADULT-LIKE, AND THE ENJOYMENT OF SIMPLE PLEASURES. WHAT FUN IT IS TO REMEMBER AND RELIVE MY OWN CHILDHOOD BY PICKING UP AND READING A BOOK OF CALVIN & HOBBES COMICS! AND AS I DO, I'M ALSO REMINDED OF HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO NOT HAVE GIVEN BIRTH TO A "CALVIN" OF MY OWN! (YET, ANYWAY. )Hair Removal At Its Best!
From May 2007
A month ago or so I received a forwarded email from my sister-in-law. You know, one of those funny ones that gets sent and forwarded to millions through the email airwaves. I'm not much into "forwards." Often I delete them after glancing briefly at their content. But this one caught my attention and is probably one of the funniest ones I've ever read. So I thought I'd post it on my blog, not only for all to read, but also as a way for me to save it... to archive the things that we women go through. Who knows if the story is actually true, but it really doesn't matter because we've all done something similar to this at one point or another. All in the name of beauty and feminism!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now... the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! ?Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! ?Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-Hoo*?? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get In the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and *Hoo-Hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or *Hoo-Hoo*?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. ? I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny Notttttttttt
1Comment: LOL! That was pretty good Buffy! Hope all is well!!! :o) (Celia)
A month ago or so I received a forwarded email from my sister-in-law. You know, one of those funny ones that gets sent and forwarded to millions through the email airwaves. I'm not much into "forwards." Often I delete them after glancing briefly at their content. But this one caught my attention and is probably one of the funniest ones I've ever read. So I thought I'd post it on my blog, not only for all to read, but also as a way for me to save it... to archive the things that we women go through. Who knows if the story is actually true, but it really doesn't matter because we've all done something similar to this at one point or another. All in the name of beauty and feminism!
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair And now... the wax. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! ?Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! ?Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. *Hoo-Hoo*?? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get In the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and *Hoo-Hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or *Hoo-Hoo*?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace.... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. ? I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color...... Now that's funny Notttttttttt
1Comment: LOL! That was pretty good Buffy! Hope all is well!!! :o) (Celia)
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A HYPNOTIST IN ACTION
FROM FRIDAY, AUGUST 4, 2006
OH MY GOSH, I had the funnest time at the fair tonight!! One of my close friends (Kathy) volunteered and was chosen to be hypnotized, along with a group of about a dozen others. It was soooooo funny and entertaining. I laughed so hard my throat is scratchy and I have a headache!
The most interesting thing about it is that this is not like her to volunteer for something like this. And then to see what the hypnotist made her do was even more out of her character. Her main focus for the night (brought on by the hypnotist's suggestions) was that she kept losing her butt. She actually thought that her butt had fallen off and she kept going to pick it up off the grass and put it back on. He would ask her what was wrong and she would say, in a somewhat discreet voice into the microphone, that she had lost her butt. At one point he suggested to her that she couldn't find her butt like she had previously. She got very upset... looking for it all around the grassy staging area. When he asked her what was wrong, she replied, very upset, that someone had taken her butt and she couldn't find it. He then asked her to discribe it, so others could look for it too, and she said matter of factly that it was flat! I laughed soooo hard.
He had her do a few other things too, all which were hilarious. She really was the star of show along with about one or two others. Afterwards, she couldn't remember any of it. She said it was like she lost an hour of her life. Tomorrow we can go purchase a DVD of it. I can't wait!
OH MY GOSH, I had the funnest time at the fair tonight!! One of my close friends (Kathy) volunteered and was chosen to be hypnotized, along with a group of about a dozen others. It was soooooo funny and entertaining. I laughed so hard my throat is scratchy and I have a headache!
The most interesting thing about it is that this is not like her to volunteer for something like this. And then to see what the hypnotist made her do was even more out of her character. Her main focus for the night (brought on by the hypnotist's suggestions) was that she kept losing her butt. She actually thought that her butt had fallen off and she kept going to pick it up off the grass and put it back on. He would ask her what was wrong and she would say, in a somewhat discreet voice into the microphone, that she had lost her butt. At one point he suggested to her that she couldn't find her butt like she had previously. She got very upset... looking for it all around the grassy staging area. When he asked her what was wrong, she replied, very upset, that someone had taken her butt and she couldn't find it. He then asked her to discribe it, so others could look for it too, and she said matter of factly that it was flat! I laughed soooo hard.
He had her do a few other things too, all which were hilarious. She really was the star of show along with about one or two others. Afterwards, she couldn't remember any of it. She said it was like she lost an hour of her life. Tomorrow we can go purchase a DVD of it. I can't wait!
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