From 1/19/2008
I haven't blogged in quite a while. I guess, as the title of this blog implies, I have been a bit distracted. As I mentioned in a previous entry, I have a bit of a crush on a guy. (Ok, so maybe it's a bit more than a crush.) And it seems that a lot of the routine hobbies, such as blogging have taken a back seat. I guess it's not such a bad thing. If I were to choose between blogging (or some of my other past-times) and love, I think I'd definitely choose love. I'm kind of a romantic fool anyway when it comes to matters of the heart.
Anyway, so I first started talking with this guy, chatting on yahoo messenger several months ago. And just last weekend we met for the first time. It was a good meeting, unlike my last experience. I believe I have a blog written here about how dumb and unsuccessful I thought internet dating was after having a first time meeting or date go sour.
Since last weekend went so positively, we continue to keep in touch by phone and internet and are making plans to meet again. I believe we are getting deeper and stronger in our feelings for each other and our conversations seem to be getting more and more serious. Sometimes I hang up the phone and am overwhelmed with my feelings for him and other times, I have to admit, I am overwhelmed with how serious we are getting. Finding a soul-mate is something I've always wanted. And he seems to be the closest thing I've found so far. But because I've thought I've been somewhat close before and had it all fall apart, I keep wondering what and when is something going to go wrong. I think both of us just need to relax somewhat and enjoy each other's company and the relationship and stop analyzing everything. (Even though I'm a pro at analyzing EVERYTHING).
2 Comments: Definitely just enjoy what you have right now. Don't worry about what will come of it. Cross that bridge when you get to it. (Celia)
Good luck! It's an amazing things. (OnMyWay)
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A Shopping List
From 9/9/2007
I really enjoyed this article--containing a great list of what to look for in finding men who are healthy in all aspects. It's definitely something I needed to read and something I need to be aware of in my relationships. (I seem to so easily get involved with "Mr. Wrongs" or in disfuncitonal relationships.)
How to Spot a Great Guy - The 10 essential things to look for
by Dr. Bethany Marshall (from an article on ivillage.com)
We all want to find a great guy. But let's face it—how many of your exes seemed fantastic at first, only for you to find out later they were Mr. Wrongs? Well, no more bad boys, mama's boys, or anything of the sort! Dr. Bethany Marshall shares her shopping list for a healthy man in this excerpt from her book, Deal Breakers.
When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person-not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to call in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.
Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.For instance, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.
If he's a healthy man, he will never make plans for the future that he does not intend to back up.And he will certainly not say, “I'm not sure where this relationship is going,” and then continue to call you... He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear that he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married , but you are the only one who is planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.
If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual.When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back by surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink? Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be
alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need.
If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them.Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you or apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be-charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.
If he's a healthy man, he will like you for who you are.Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. For instance, you dress a certain way and he refuses to hold you or compliment you. Or you gain weight and he stops having sex with you. Does he take pleasure in you, whether you look sexy in your low-rider jeans or have just gotten out of
bed? Does he spend time with your family because he knows that you are a part of them? Is he interested in your spirituality? Or do you feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold on to his approval? Even when it comes to your sexual preferences, you should feel free to reveal yourself without fear of losing his affection.
A healthy man will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself.Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. For instance, he will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what. And he would never refuse to call, refuse to be nice, or walk out the door without quickly returning-simply because you shared your concerns with him.
A healthy man has a learning curve.For instance, if you tell him that you need more time together or need him to stop doing something that is obnoxious, he will shift his behavior because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them. He would never admit to a substance abuse problem and then refuse to address it. Or agree to appropriately separate from his mother (who dislikes you) but then go running back to the nest.
If he is healthy, he will seek his own solutions.For instance, if he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a twelve-step program-anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. (You could do worse than give him this book. No, wait-make him buy his own damn copy!) Petty pride, laziness, or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to take to have a full relationship with you.
A healthy man will not try to have power over you.He won't leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Or make you feel that you have to disappear for a few days to recover the power you once had. Even if he has more money, status, and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. A healthy man is willing to take you into account instead of pushing you away. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision making. Because you matter, he does not want to have undue influence or control over you. And he can trust that he is loved, even when he is not in charge. When it comes to who takes care of whom, and who makes the decisions, and who gets the last say, he is willing to negotiate (because really, all of life is a little like Let's Make a Deal).
I really enjoyed this article--containing a great list of what to look for in finding men who are healthy in all aspects. It's definitely something I needed to read and something I need to be aware of in my relationships. (I seem to so easily get involved with "Mr. Wrongs" or in disfuncitonal relationships.)
How to Spot a Great Guy - The 10 essential things to look for
by Dr. Bethany Marshall (from an article on ivillage.com)
We all want to find a great guy. But let's face it—how many of your exes seemed fantastic at first, only for you to find out later they were Mr. Wrongs? Well, no more bad boys, mama's boys, or anything of the sort! Dr. Bethany Marshall shares her shopping list for a healthy man in this excerpt from her book, Deal Breakers.
When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person-not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to call in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.
Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.For instance, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.
If he's a healthy man, he will never make plans for the future that he does not intend to back up.And he will certainly not say, “I'm not sure where this relationship is going,” and then continue to call you... He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear that he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married , but you are the only one who is planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.
If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual.When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back by surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink? Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be
alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need.
If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them.Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you or apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be-charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.
If he's a healthy man, he will like you for who you are.Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. For instance, you dress a certain way and he refuses to hold you or compliment you. Or you gain weight and he stops having sex with you. Does he take pleasure in you, whether you look sexy in your low-rider jeans or have just gotten out of
bed? Does he spend time with your family because he knows that you are a part of them? Is he interested in your spirituality? Or do you feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold on to his approval? Even when it comes to your sexual preferences, you should feel free to reveal yourself without fear of losing his affection.
A healthy man will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself.Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. For instance, he will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what. And he would never refuse to call, refuse to be nice, or walk out the door without quickly returning-simply because you shared your concerns with him.
A healthy man has a learning curve.For instance, if you tell him that you need more time together or need him to stop doing something that is obnoxious, he will shift his behavior because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them. He would never admit to a substance abuse problem and then refuse to address it. Or agree to appropriately separate from his mother (who dislikes you) but then go running back to the nest.
If he is healthy, he will seek his own solutions.For instance, if he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a twelve-step program-anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. (You could do worse than give him this book. No, wait-make him buy his own damn copy!) Petty pride, laziness, or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to take to have a full relationship with you.
A healthy man will not try to have power over you.He won't leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Or make you feel that you have to disappear for a few days to recover the power you once had. Even if he has more money, status, and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. A healthy man is willing to take you into account instead of pushing you away. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision making. Because you matter, he does not want to have undue influence or control over you. And he can trust that he is loved, even when he is not in charge. When it comes to who takes care of whom, and who makes the decisions, and who gets the last say, he is willing to negotiate (because really, all of life is a little like Let's Make a Deal).
Friday, July 31, 2009
Internet Dating... Is It Really Worth the Time or Effort?
From March 2007
Last week, during my spring break, I went on a date with a guy that I met on the internet. I originally "met" him through a singles/dating site where we both posted profiles and photos. I found his profile "attractive" and from what he said, the same was true for him with mine. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks and it just so happened that he was going to be in a city nearby for work, so we arranged a time to meet. A few days before meeting, we began to talk on the phone as well. I was actually surprised at how comfortable I felt with him from the beginning. I felt our conversations flowed fairly well, for not really knowing each other. And once we met (and I shook off all the nervous jitters that go with meeting someone for the first time) the date went well. I enjoyed his company and getting to know him a bit better -- you can never really get to know someone that well through e-mail.
As I left, I briefly mentioned that I'd like further contact and he agreed. I felt the night was pretty successful overall, and looked forward to further conversations and possibly more visits. I didn't necessarily have huge plans for the two of us at that point, just a higher level of curiosity and a desire to continue to get to know him. But then the dreaded wait began. After two days of no contact from him, I began to wonder. And I know that two days really isn't all that long... but from past experience, when a date goes well, I usually either receive a call or something similar to confirm that feeling. So I decided to go ahead and call him myself. Why should he be the one to make that move? I was confident enough!! (Although I kept having the nagging feeling that I would also find out that his interest wasn't nearly as strong as my own.)
I took a deep breath and made a call to his cell phone. I timed the call so that I would hopefully catch him driving home from his week long visit for work. And sure enough I did. Initially the call was full of pleasantries and a review of how the rest of his week went. Then I just asked straight out how he felt our date went. This was when I knew he wasn't interested. Why do people (and I won't just say that guys are the only ones who do it) use the whole "I just want to be friends" line hoping to soften the blow? We all know what that really means. Just come out and say it! "I don't think we clicked like I originally thought we would." But instead he continued to give different reasons, like distance, time, etc, that would prevent him from being in a real relationship. Sigh. Again, just say... "I'm just not that into you" (quoting Greg Behrendt, from his book.)
This is actually only the second time I've gone on a date with someone that I met online. I've had lots of long term chatting relationships with guys online, but rarely do I ever meet them. And often it's because I don't want to anymore than they do. So this is why I asked the original question: Is internet dating really worth the time or effort? It has become such a popular method for meeting people. But I so far haven't found it more productive than conventional forms of meeting people. (LOL - like I'm an expert on meeting men the conventional way!)
To end on a positive note... it never hurts to try. Let me restate that... it doesn't hurt enough that I can't recover in a few days. It was kind of like a bruise. The first day the bump that would soon turn into a bruise hurt almost constantly. Then after that, it was just sore when touched or bumped. And within a couple of days all discomfort had ceased. But I can say I learn something each time I venture on a date with someone new. And usually it's something about myself... and that's not such a bad thing!
2 Comments: 1) hey hey hey all us men are not into beiing jerks = thank you very much give a guy a break lady = he he he! (john_white552).
2) I hear ya! I've met plenty of people online. Dating sites or not, and they never seem to workout. Just like the men I meet in person. I just don't think dating is for me. I hate to think I'm throwing in the towel, but NONE of my other relationships are that hard. Relationships just shouldn't be that hard. I don't think so anyway. My friends, co-workers, family, EVERY other relationship I have is very easily maintained. That's why I don't understand romantic relationships. BOO ON DATING!!!! :o) (Celia)
Last week, during my spring break, I went on a date with a guy that I met on the internet. I originally "met" him through a singles/dating site where we both posted profiles and photos. I found his profile "attractive" and from what he said, the same was true for him with mine. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks and it just so happened that he was going to be in a city nearby for work, so we arranged a time to meet. A few days before meeting, we began to talk on the phone as well. I was actually surprised at how comfortable I felt with him from the beginning. I felt our conversations flowed fairly well, for not really knowing each other. And once we met (and I shook off all the nervous jitters that go with meeting someone for the first time) the date went well. I enjoyed his company and getting to know him a bit better -- you can never really get to know someone that well through e-mail.
As I left, I briefly mentioned that I'd like further contact and he agreed. I felt the night was pretty successful overall, and looked forward to further conversations and possibly more visits. I didn't necessarily have huge plans for the two of us at that point, just a higher level of curiosity and a desire to continue to get to know him. But then the dreaded wait began. After two days of no contact from him, I began to wonder. And I know that two days really isn't all that long... but from past experience, when a date goes well, I usually either receive a call or something similar to confirm that feeling. So I decided to go ahead and call him myself. Why should he be the one to make that move? I was confident enough!! (Although I kept having the nagging feeling that I would also find out that his interest wasn't nearly as strong as my own.)
I took a deep breath and made a call to his cell phone. I timed the call so that I would hopefully catch him driving home from his week long visit for work. And sure enough I did. Initially the call was full of pleasantries and a review of how the rest of his week went. Then I just asked straight out how he felt our date went. This was when I knew he wasn't interested. Why do people (and I won't just say that guys are the only ones who do it) use the whole "I just want to be friends" line hoping to soften the blow? We all know what that really means. Just come out and say it! "I don't think we clicked like I originally thought we would." But instead he continued to give different reasons, like distance, time, etc, that would prevent him from being in a real relationship. Sigh. Again, just say... "I'm just not that into you" (quoting Greg Behrendt, from his book.)
This is actually only the second time I've gone on a date with someone that I met online. I've had lots of long term chatting relationships with guys online, but rarely do I ever meet them. And often it's because I don't want to anymore than they do. So this is why I asked the original question: Is internet dating really worth the time or effort? It has become such a popular method for meeting people. But I so far haven't found it more productive than conventional forms of meeting people. (LOL - like I'm an expert on meeting men the conventional way!)
To end on a positive note... it never hurts to try. Let me restate that... it doesn't hurt enough that I can't recover in a few days. It was kind of like a bruise. The first day the bump that would soon turn into a bruise hurt almost constantly. Then after that, it was just sore when touched or bumped. And within a couple of days all discomfort had ceased. But I can say I learn something each time I venture on a date with someone new. And usually it's something about myself... and that's not such a bad thing!
2 Comments: 1) hey hey hey all us men are not into beiing jerks = thank you very much give a guy a break lady = he he he! (john_white552).
2) I hear ya! I've met plenty of people online. Dating sites or not, and they never seem to workout. Just like the men I meet in person. I just don't think dating is for me. I hate to think I'm throwing in the towel, but NONE of my other relationships are that hard. Relationships just shouldn't be that hard. I don't think so anyway. My friends, co-workers, family, EVERY other relationship I have is very easily maintained. That's why I don't understand romantic relationships. BOO ON DATING!!!! :o) (Celia)
It's Valentine's Tomorrow... Sigh
From February 2007
It's Valentine's day tomorrow ... what to do? what to do? My answer to that is IGNORE IT!
I read the blog written by the 360 team and it sparked a few thoughts of my own on the big LOVE day.
I don't think I've ever actually been in a relationship when Valentine's day rolled around , or if I was, it was a fairly new relationship that didn't merit any special attention brought on by the day. But even though I don't have many memories associated with Valentine's (beyond the childhood ones of riding the school bus home with a hand made paper packet filled with schoolmate's valentine wishes and a belly ache from all the cookies and candy), I do regard the day as any hopeful (or probably more like hopeless) romantic would. I love the color red, I love hearts , I love "LOVE", I love sappy songs and chick flick romantic comedies, I love greeting cards and flowers and chocolate, and I love any kind of romantic mushy sentiment.
But since I don't plan on any of these coming my way tomorrow from some hunky guy, I plan to just go into denial and pretend none of it exists. It will probably work clear up until the moment that some office co-worker gets a huge bouquet of roses. So the back up plan is to then become the stereotypical bitter single woman.
Ok, so to lighten it up just a bit so that no one reading this thinks I really am a bitter old single woman, I am happy for everyone who has someone to celebrate with. And really, it is a great day for me to also tell everyone I love (even if not romantically) that they are important to me.
Then I can go into DENIAL for the rest of the day.... LOL
It's Valentine's day tomorrow ... what to do? what to do? My answer to that is IGNORE IT!
I read the blog written by the 360 team and it sparked a few thoughts of my own on the big LOVE day.
I don't think I've ever actually been in a relationship when Valentine's day rolled around , or if I was, it was a fairly new relationship that didn't merit any special attention brought on by the day. But even though I don't have many memories associated with Valentine's (beyond the childhood ones of riding the school bus home with a hand made paper packet filled with schoolmate's valentine wishes and a belly ache from all the cookies and candy), I do regard the day as any hopeful (or probably more like hopeless) romantic would. I love the color red, I love hearts , I love "LOVE", I love sappy songs and chick flick romantic comedies, I love greeting cards and flowers and chocolate, and I love any kind of romantic mushy sentiment.
But since I don't plan on any of these coming my way tomorrow from some hunky guy, I plan to just go into denial and pretend none of it exists. It will probably work clear up until the moment that some office co-worker gets a huge bouquet of roses. So the back up plan is to then become the stereotypical bitter single woman.
Ok, so to lighten it up just a bit so that no one reading this thinks I really am a bitter old single woman, I am happy for everyone who has someone to celebrate with. And really, it is a great day for me to also tell everyone I love (even if not romantically) that they are important to me.
Then I can go into DENIAL for the rest of the day.... LOL
Saturday, July 25, 2009
JOURNAL / SCRAPBOOKING GROUP (2) - A PIVOTAL MOMENT
FROM TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2006
It's time again to meet with my new Journal group (we meet this Thursday night) . This month's challenge was to journal/create a page about a pivotal moment in life. I actually thought of several different pivotal moments that I've had, but because I don't really know the women in this group very well, I decided that I didn't want to do anything too personal. So I chose a topic that has been a pivotal life-long moment: being single. I copied and pasted below the actual entry that I put inside the booklet that fits into a pocket on the right side of the page. Warning - It's quite long. The first paragraph is an exerpt from an article I read online and then the remainder is what I journaled. I also included a couple of short quotes on the page about happiness, but I don't think I'll add them to this blog, since it's going to be long enough as it is.
My Journaling: I grew up in a home and a religious culture that encouraged and expected that all participate in, at the onset of adulthood or soon thereafter, the rite of passage called marriage. It wasn’t too hard for me to comprehend as I watched six older siblings do so and start families. And as a girl in my teens, I was bombarded with mental images of what my life would be like – once I actually started it as a married wife and mother. My life’s goals were to go to college, meet my husband, get married, and start a family. Since I didn’t date much in High School, I just knew that special someone would be waiting for me at college. That’s how it happened for my siblings, so why shouldn’t it happen to me?
There were a few men along the way, some that I really liked, some that created an unhealthy partnership with me, and some that really liked me. Those were the hardest to walk away from because I wondered if I could just learn to love them as time progressed, could I make it work? I worked hard to not become negative and to maintain an attitude that each time a relationship didn’t work out, that there were things I could learn from it and there were always some great memories made. Even though I usually succeeded in looking at the brighter side of my past relationships, I still had to face the fact that I was still single. And being single equated to being of lesser worth.
Ever since my early twenties, my life has been (and will probably continue to be) filled with “a-ha” and pivotal moments that point to what my true destination in life, my single life, is to be. It took me quite a bit of these moments to realize that I needed to discard my inner belief that to be whole, I needed to be married. It has been hard sometimes when I sense a “poor lonely you”
attitude from an onlooker or peer. Or, when others try to “fix all my problems” by setting me up on a blind date. (Not that I don’t think that blind dates can’t be full of potential and not all of my blind dates have felt like sympathy set-ups.) Over the years, I have had a date or two: blind, conventional, and even ones that have come about through the internet. Some went as far as the first date – some further. But the best thing of all: I haven’t been nearly so devastated when I realized it just wasn’t working out.
Do I still desire to marry? Sure! I still become twitter-pated at the onset of a new crush and I still dream of a romantic rendezvous. But even better yet, I realize that crushes and romance are not all that life has to offer me. I have learned to look at my work as an actual career, I have regained a passion for learning and completed my bachelor’s degree, I continually try to appreciate the strong, positive relationships I do maintain in my life (they are my saving grace), and recently, I really ventured beyond what I never thought I’d do alone and bought a house.
It's time again to meet with my new Journal group (we meet this Thursday night) . This month's challenge was to journal/create a page about a pivotal moment in life. I actually thought of several different pivotal moments that I've had, but because I don't really know the women in this group very well, I decided that I didn't want to do anything too personal. So I chose a topic that has been a pivotal life-long moment: being single. I copied and pasted below the actual entry that I put inside the booklet that fits into a pocket on the right side of the page. Warning - It's quite long. The first paragraph is an exerpt from an article I read online and then the remainder is what I journaled. I also included a couple of short quotes on the page about happiness, but I don't think I'll add them to this blog, since it's going to be long enough as it is.
Table For One:
“There seems to be a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Singlehood is rapidly turning into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket. ‘Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,’ says social historian Stephanie Coontz. ‘It has its own rewards, Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore . For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.’ People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate. In fact, neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.” ~Jillian Strauss, psychologytoday.com
“There seems to be a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Singlehood is rapidly turning into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket. ‘Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,’ says social historian Stephanie Coontz. ‘It has its own rewards, Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore . For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.’ People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate. In fact, neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.” ~Jillian Strauss, psychologytoday.com
My Journaling: I grew up in a home and a religious culture that encouraged and expected that all participate in, at the onset of adulthood or soon thereafter, the rite of passage called marriage. It wasn’t too hard for me to comprehend as I watched six older siblings do so and start families. And as a girl in my teens, I was bombarded with mental images of what my life would be like – once I actually started it as a married wife and mother. My life’s goals were to go to college, meet my husband, get married, and start a family. Since I didn’t date much in High School, I just knew that special someone would be waiting for me at college. That’s how it happened for my siblings, so why shouldn’t it happen to me?
As I studied and played my way through two years of college, I watched as some of my friends got married. Then after earning my associates and becoming a member of the work force, I stood aside as more friends tied the knot. It was at this point that I really began to wonder what was wrong with me? I was gaining and experiencing some very rewarding friendships with both men and women, but it didn’t seem to be enough. I had a continual attitude of waiting – waiting for life to happen to me and waiting for a man to magically appear.
There were a few men along the way, some that I really liked, some that created an unhealthy partnership with me, and some that really liked me. Those were the hardest to walk away from because I wondered if I could just learn to love them as time progressed, could I make it work? I worked hard to not become negative and to maintain an attitude that each time a relationship didn’t work out, that there were things I could learn from it and there were always some great memories made. Even though I usually succeeded in looking at the brighter side of my past relationships, I still had to face the fact that I was still single. And being single equated to being of lesser worth.
Ever since my early twenties, my life has been (and will probably continue to be) filled with “a-ha” and pivotal moments that point to what my true destination in life, my single life, is to be. It took me quite a bit of these moments to realize that I needed to discard my inner belief that to be whole, I needed to be married. It has been hard sometimes when I sense a “poor lonely you”
attitude from an onlooker or peer. Or, when others try to “fix all my problems” by setting me up on a blind date. (Not that I don’t think that blind dates can’t be full of potential and not all of my blind dates have felt like sympathy set-ups.) Over the years, I have had a date or two: blind, conventional, and even ones that have come about through the internet. Some went as far as the first date – some further. But the best thing of all: I haven’t been nearly so devastated when I realized it just wasn’t working out.
Do I still desire to marry? Sure! I still become twitter-pated at the onset of a new crush and I still dream of a romantic rendezvous. But even better yet, I realize that crushes and romance are not all that life has to offer me. I have learned to look at my work as an actual career, I have regained a passion for learning and completed my bachelor’s degree, I continually try to appreciate the strong, positive relationships I do maintain in my life (they are my saving grace), and recently, I really ventured beyond what I never thought I’d do alone and bought a house.
Maybe I’ve become too comfortable with my single life and my independence. Or maybe, I’ve finally realized that I am whole, full of worth, and very happy (most of the time) with who I am all by myself. The committed, loving relationship I have with myself is the one that matters most. ~Happy Single Girl
A TRIBUTE TO THE SPECIAL ONES IN OUR LIVES
FROM SATURDAY, JULY 1, 2006
Not sure what to write on my first ever blog entry, so here is a favorite quote of mine:
These are the type of people that I look for and hope to have in my life. And I'm fortunate to already have some great family members and friends who fit this description.
Not sure what to write on my first ever blog entry, so here is a favorite quote of mine:
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for a while and give us a deeper understanding of what is truly important in this life.
They touch our souls.
We gain strength from the footprints they have left on our hearts,
and we will never, ever, be the same." -- unknown
These are the type of people that I look for and hope to have in my life. And I'm fortunate to already have some great family members and friends who fit this description.
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