It's time again to meet with my new Journal group (we meet this Thursday night) . This month's challenge was to journal/create a page about a pivotal moment in life. I actually thought of several different pivotal moments that I've had, but because I don't really know the women in this group very well, I decided that I didn't want to do anything too personal. So I chose a topic that has been a pivotal life-long moment: being single. I copied and pasted below the actual entry that I put inside the booklet that fits into a pocket on the right side of the page. Warning - It's quite long. The first paragraph is an exerpt from an article I read online and then the remainder is what I journaled. I also included a couple of short quotes on the page about happiness, but I don't think I'll add them to this blog, since it's going to be long enough as it is.
Table For One:
“There seems to be a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Singlehood is rapidly turning into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket. ‘Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,’ says social historian Stephanie Coontz. ‘It has its own rewards, Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore . For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.’ People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate. In fact, neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.” ~Jillian Strauss, psychologytoday.com
“There seems to be a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Singlehood is rapidly turning into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket. ‘Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,’ says social historian Stephanie Coontz. ‘It has its own rewards, Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore . For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.’ People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate. In fact, neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.” ~Jillian Strauss, psychologytoday.com
My Journaling: I grew up in a home and a religious culture that encouraged and expected that all participate in, at the onset of adulthood or soon thereafter, the rite of passage called marriage. It wasn’t too hard for me to comprehend as I watched six older siblings do so and start families. And as a girl in my teens, I was bombarded with mental images of what my life would be like – once I actually started it as a married wife and mother. My life’s goals were to go to college, meet my husband, get married, and start a family. Since I didn’t date much in High School, I just knew that special someone would be waiting for me at college. That’s how it happened for my siblings, so why shouldn’t it happen to me?
As I studied and played my way through two years of college, I watched as some of my friends got married. Then after earning my associates and becoming a member of the work force, I stood aside as more friends tied the knot. It was at this point that I really began to wonder what was wrong with me? I was gaining and experiencing some very rewarding friendships with both men and women, but it didn’t seem to be enough. I had a continual attitude of waiting – waiting for life to happen to me and waiting for a man to magically appear.
There were a few men along the way, some that I really liked, some that created an unhealthy partnership with me, and some that really liked me. Those were the hardest to walk away from because I wondered if I could just learn to love them as time progressed, could I make it work? I worked hard to not become negative and to maintain an attitude that each time a relationship didn’t work out, that there were things I could learn from it and there were always some great memories made. Even though I usually succeeded in looking at the brighter side of my past relationships, I still had to face the fact that I was still single. And being single equated to being of lesser worth.
Ever since my early twenties, my life has been (and will probably continue to be) filled with “a-ha” and pivotal moments that point to what my true destination in life, my single life, is to be. It took me quite a bit of these moments to realize that I needed to discard my inner belief that to be whole, I needed to be married. It has been hard sometimes when I sense a “poor lonely you”
attitude from an onlooker or peer. Or, when others try to “fix all my problems” by setting me up on a blind date. (Not that I don’t think that blind dates can’t be full of potential and not all of my blind dates have felt like sympathy set-ups.) Over the years, I have had a date or two: blind, conventional, and even ones that have come about through the internet. Some went as far as the first date – some further. But the best thing of all: I haven’t been nearly so devastated when I realized it just wasn’t working out.
Do I still desire to marry? Sure! I still become twitter-pated at the onset of a new crush and I still dream of a romantic rendezvous. But even better yet, I realize that crushes and romance are not all that life has to offer me. I have learned to look at my work as an actual career, I have regained a passion for learning and completed my bachelor’s degree, I continually try to appreciate the strong, positive relationships I do maintain in my life (they are my saving grace), and recently, I really ventured beyond what I never thought I’d do alone and bought a house.
Maybe I’ve become too comfortable with my single life and my independence. Or maybe, I’ve finally realized that I am whole, full of worth, and very happy (most of the time) with who I am all by myself. The committed, loving relationship I have with myself is the one that matters most. ~Happy Single Girl
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