A PIVOTAL MOMENT FROM A PIVOTAL MOMENT

FROM THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2006
Tonight I met with my journal group. I really wasn't much in the mood to go, even though I was pleased with the page I had created. It has been a rough week again at work; not so much due to the heavy workload, but because I have just not been feeling like myself--emotionally. And after another day of trying to sort through my many thoughts and feelings (let alone trying to focus on getting some much needed planning for our pre-service training done) I just didn't think I could handle meeting with a group of women who seem so close to each other, yet I hardly know.
But as we sat down around the hosts living room, and each person began to read and share their experiences and pivotal moments in life, I began to notice how positive and supportive they were to each other. Everyone listened attentively to what each person had to say, made supportive remarks, and basically acted like personal cheerleaders to those sharing their thoughts. It was at this time that I feel like I had a sort of pivotal moment in the midst of everyone sharing past pivotal moments.

I have been so negative lately, and I couldn't up to this point figure out why. I had a feeling that I was actually angry about something, yet I couldn't admit to myself what I was angry about. But here were all these positive people, and it was such a contrast to my mood, that soon it started to sift away. I've always believed that when people become defensive or angry, it's usually because they are feeling insecure about something. And while driving home, it dawned on me--I have been feeling insecure about probably every single one of my friendships lately. And sadly, I have been dealing with it in a very selfish manner. One I have just been pulling away from--for quite some time. Another I have been losing patience with over all their complaining and negativism (look who's calling the kettle black). And another I have been extremely nit-picky with, pointing out and exaggerating faults. And yet even another, I've just not been very supportive in some life changes they've decided to take on.

But why? I think I'm seriously afraid of losing them, or at least some of those I referred to above. I'm afraid that with what is currently happening in theirs and my life, that I'm losing the level of closeness we've had. Isn't it so strange how we build up walls to protect ourselves from being hurt. It's actually just plain stupid.

Whew! What a big circle of realization that was... but now that I have figured it out, I sure would like to have more of what these women seem to have with each other, in my own circle of friends. And now I just need to take the steps to make it so.