Today is a Tuesday, but it is definitely more like a Monday. This morning was the perfect example of my new and improved life as a mommy:
To start off, I'm now pretty much getting a whole 4 to 5 hours of sleep per night and have adjusted pretty well. Am I tired all of the time? Yes. Do I now get how people can just fall asleep anywhere... sitting up... head bobbing? Yes. (I used to watch my mom do that in church or while watching tv, etc and wonder how she could just fall asleep while sitting up - LOL)
So, today I had my usual 3:30 AM wake up from Logan demanding a feeding.(BTW, I went to bed at about 10:30, and was woken up at 12:30 for a feeding as well.) At 4:00 we both went back to sleep until 5:00 when my alarm went off. I pushed snooze once and then I jumped into the shower while he stirred in and out of sleep and while Juan also got up to start his day. The morning was following its usual path of me getting dressed, doing my hair and make up, Juan and I both taking turns talking with Logan, making him smile, etc. (he's so happy when he first wakes up in the morning -- it really is hard to keep on task.) I pulled out a pair of black capris to wear and noticed the hem was coming undone. So I slapped a couple of safety pins on to keep the hem in place and finished dressing.
Then at about 6:00 or so we heard the familiar tell-tale noises coming from Logan indicating a "blow-out" was about to occur. I thought, "ok, great... lets see if we can keep this somewhat under control, yet not change him too soon and end up with multiple changes before he actually finishes." Juan decided it was a good time (and the usual time) for him to make a quick exit and head off to work. I checked Logan's diaper and felt it could wait a few more minutes while I finished up getting ready. That was a wrong decision! By the time I was ready to change him there was poop everywhere! Yay!! "Do we have time for a bath this morning?" It's now 6:10 and I have to be at work by 7:00. "We just have to squish it in", I thought. I quickly filled his little tub, bathed him like I was the bionic woman, as he kicked and splashed happily, and then got him dressed.
Now we were at 6:20 and Logan decided he was hungry. Which is not unusual as I usually try to feed him right before we leave for the childcare providers. But we were running a bit later than usual, so I had a talk with my dear son and said.... "make it quick little dude.". Ha! Ha! Babies are so good at picking up on their mom's moods and since I was in a rushed, slightly panicked mood, he decided that he was going to fuss and squirm through his entire eating session. Which meant it wasn't too productive and time was running out. Finally, after a partial feeding, I gave up, put Logan in his carrier/carseat, grabbed my lunch out of the fridge, my purse, diaper bag, breast pump and accessories, and one other bag for work stuff and headed out the door (looking like some of those people in airports who decide to carry on their entire set of luggage). OH... but before doing so, since I hadn't had any breakfast, I decided to pour some dry cold cereal in a container to take to work to eat at my desk as well as make some hot chocolate (it was a chilly morning in the beautiful northwest and it sounded good) which took even more time. It's now 6:50.
We arrived at the childcare providers at 6:55 (I like to get there around 6:45, but oh well). I gave Anna a brief run down, kissed the sleepy-looking and slightly fussy Logan goodbye, and jumped into the car to head to work. While driving, I decided to sip on my hot chocolate. Next thing I know... a good portion of it is soaking into my pant leg. @%&^%$# What the heck? The lid is not on all the way. Then I notice next to the wet hot chocolate on my leg, there is a large smudge of something a bit yellow-orangy. Crap! (Literally). Sigh.... I now have labeled this day as "one of those days." I get to work at 7:10 (late!), go to the bathroom to clean up my pants, which thank goodness are black today and start my workday.
When I finally sat down to my desk, I had to chuckle just a bit at how much my life has changed. Routine and scheduling has taken on a whole new meaning (and I used to work in infant and preschool classrooms where structure was the number one priority). And yet, with all that structure you have to be flexible enough to accept interruptions and lots of imperfections. There were a few moments this morning when I was grumpy and had to apologize to dear Logan for being impatient. And also where I had to apologize to myself for letting such experiences, which make life so interesting and memorable, get to me. Now, at 8:30, after taking a short morning break, and sit here munching on dry Fruit Loops, I can laugh at the whole thing.
Showing posts with label SELF-REFLECTION. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SELF-REFLECTION. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Thanksgiving Gratitude
From November 22 2007
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Happy Thanksgiving!!
It's 9:00 am on a cold Thanksgiving morning, and I'm sitting here drinking some hot chocolate and checking some email, typing blog entries, and chatting with a newly found internet acquaintance. It's not a bad morning really. Soon though I'll have to jump in the shower and get ready for the day's festivities - I'm tagging along with my brother and sister-in-law and their family to her aunt's house. Our family tradition for thanksgiving has changed and in some ways it's nice to have change, but in other ways I miss what we used to do.
Thanksgiving seems to be becoming one of those lost holidays anymore. Christmas usually starts way too early for me, and the focus is more on the shopping opportunities during this weekend rather than a spirit of gratitude. But maybe once I've experienced the day, it will be just as rewarding as this morning had been -- peaceful! Which is always something to be grateful for!!
And on this cold but relaxing Thanksgiving morning, I noticed I had yet another really insightful horoscope for the day. I quite often fight the inner battle of what is the "right" thing to do versus what I really want to do. Why can't they be one in the same? And sometimes I think I do confuse what's "right" with what feels safe instead of venturing out there. Hmmm. I'll have to think on that some more.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
It's time that you give yourself what you need, dear Aquarius. Your desires don't always go in the direction that does you the most good, and this can cause some tension. You often feel as though it is impossible to combine your desires with what is good for you, notably in your love life. You wrestle with whether you should remain in your "creative" cave or share your life with someone. Does it really have to be one or the other?
It's time that you give yourself what you need, dear Aquarius. Your desires don't always go in the direction that does you the most good, and this can cause some tension. You often feel as though it is impossible to combine your desires with what is good for you, notably in your love life. You wrestle with whether you should remain in your "creative" cave or share your life with someone. Does it really have to be one or the other?
Understanding Another's Self Esteem
From 11/8/2007
Yesterday, I spent the day observing and then talking with a teacher. I have been spending quite a bit of my work days lately completing my regular fall observations on all of the preschool teachers that I mentor and she was my scheduled visit for the day. This particular teacher has a lot of wonderful abilities and works quite well with children. So I wasn't too worried about how her observation would go. However, she does have a very active and energetic class this year, with a few children exhibiting some difficult behaviors. But she really did handle it well.
Yet, one thing I've noticed about her over the past couple of years, is that she is continually making sarcastic comments about how she'll probably get fired soon, or maybe she should just quit while she's ahead... etc. As yesterday progressed, I heard quite a few of these comments. And even though she is actually quite funny when she's being sarcastic or cynical, it can start to be concerning too. So, when I met with her to review her observation, I decided to talk to her about her strengths and her level of confidence. I asked her to name one thing that she knows she's good at (at work). She took quite a long time and then finally said "Others have told me that I communicate well with the children." I told her that I totally agreed and that I think she's one of the best we have in that respect. However, I wanted to know what she felt about it, not so much what she's heard others say. She couldn't come up with anything. I felt quite sad for her.
I'm really quite confident in most everything I do and so it's a bit hard for me to comprehend not being able to find anything that I truly know I do well. I challenged her to start identifying on a daily basis things that she does well or things that went well that day and to start pushing the negative thoughts away. She said she'd work on it, but that it's the way she's always been. I'm going to start asking her about her strengths more regularly now. This was a good learning experience for me too... I need to focus on people's strengths more too, instead of what they're doing wrong.
Yesterday, I spent the day observing and then talking with a teacher. I have been spending quite a bit of my work days lately completing my regular fall observations on all of the preschool teachers that I mentor and she was my scheduled visit for the day. This particular teacher has a lot of wonderful abilities and works quite well with children. So I wasn't too worried about how her observation would go. However, she does have a very active and energetic class this year, with a few children exhibiting some difficult behaviors. But she really did handle it well.
Yet, one thing I've noticed about her over the past couple of years, is that she is continually making sarcastic comments about how she'll probably get fired soon, or maybe she should just quit while she's ahead... etc. As yesterday progressed, I heard quite a few of these comments. And even though she is actually quite funny when she's being sarcastic or cynical, it can start to be concerning too. So, when I met with her to review her observation, I decided to talk to her about her strengths and her level of confidence. I asked her to name one thing that she knows she's good at (at work). She took quite a long time and then finally said "Others have told me that I communicate well with the children." I told her that I totally agreed and that I think she's one of the best we have in that respect. However, I wanted to know what she felt about it, not so much what she's heard others say. She couldn't come up with anything. I felt quite sad for her.
I'm really quite confident in most everything I do and so it's a bit hard for me to comprehend not being able to find anything that I truly know I do well. I challenged her to start identifying on a daily basis things that she does well or things that went well that day and to start pushing the negative thoughts away. She said she'd work on it, but that it's the way she's always been. I'm going to start asking her about her strengths more regularly now. This was a good learning experience for me too... I need to focus on people's strengths more too, instead of what they're doing wrong.
In Love With Me!
From 10/24/2007
My whole life, I haven't ever really thought of myself as "cute" or "gorgeous" or "pretty". I'm not sure what sparked this self-image... although as I hit middle school I certainly went through the awkward stage, not knowing quite how to handle all the changes occuring in my body. I had acne, I became extra chubby, and my hair seemed to always be greasy by the end of the day. Then when I would look at some of my friends, whose skin was clear, body shapes filling in nicely, great clothes, and cute hair, all I could do was compare. All young girls do this. It's just sad how those thoughts and images in our minds stick with us for so long. My weight has always been something that affected my self-esteem.
Is this me being vain? I really don't think so. This is me, with a healthy self-image!!
My whole life, I haven't ever really thought of myself as "cute" or "gorgeous" or "pretty". I'm not sure what sparked this self-image... although as I hit middle school I certainly went through the awkward stage, not knowing quite how to handle all the changes occuring in my body. I had acne, I became extra chubby, and my hair seemed to always be greasy by the end of the day. Then when I would look at some of my friends, whose skin was clear, body shapes filling in nicely, great clothes, and cute hair, all I could do was compare. All young girls do this. It's just sad how those thoughts and images in our minds stick with us for so long. My weight has always been something that affected my self-esteem.
But over the past decade (my 30's), I've noticed that I'm finally getting past those negative thoughts about my looks and appearance. Yes, I'm quite aware that I'm not skinny and modelesque... but I AM beautiful! And it's great to hear others (men) say it too. A couple of weekends ago, I went with a friend to take some pictures. She took quite a few of me, and I really like how they turned out.
Is this me being vain? I really don't think so. This is me, with a healthy self-image!!A Shopping List
From 9/9/2007
I really enjoyed this article--containing a great list of what to look for in finding men who are healthy in all aspects. It's definitely something I needed to read and something I need to be aware of in my relationships. (I seem to so easily get involved with "Mr. Wrongs" or in disfuncitonal relationships.)
How to Spot a Great Guy - The 10 essential things to look for
by Dr. Bethany Marshall (from an article on ivillage.com)
We all want to find a great guy. But let's face it—how many of your exes seemed fantastic at first, only for you to find out later they were Mr. Wrongs? Well, no more bad boys, mama's boys, or anything of the sort! Dr. Bethany Marshall shares her shopping list for a healthy man in this excerpt from her book, Deal Breakers.
When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person-not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to call in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.
Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.For instance, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.
If he's a healthy man, he will never make plans for the future that he does not intend to back up.And he will certainly not say, “I'm not sure where this relationship is going,” and then continue to call you... He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear that he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married , but you are the only one who is planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.
If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual.When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back by surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink? Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be
alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need.
If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them.Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you or apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be-charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.
If he's a healthy man, he will like you for who you are.Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. For instance, you dress a certain way and he refuses to hold you or compliment you. Or you gain weight and he stops having sex with you. Does he take pleasure in you, whether you look sexy in your low-rider jeans or have just gotten out of
bed? Does he spend time with your family because he knows that you are a part of them? Is he interested in your spirituality? Or do you feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold on to his approval? Even when it comes to your sexual preferences, you should feel free to reveal yourself without fear of losing his affection.
A healthy man will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself.Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. For instance, he will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what. And he would never refuse to call, refuse to be nice, or walk out the door without quickly returning-simply because you shared your concerns with him.
A healthy man has a learning curve.For instance, if you tell him that you need more time together or need him to stop doing something that is obnoxious, he will shift his behavior because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them. He would never admit to a substance abuse problem and then refuse to address it. Or agree to appropriately separate from his mother (who dislikes you) but then go running back to the nest.
If he is healthy, he will seek his own solutions.For instance, if he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a twelve-step program-anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. (You could do worse than give him this book. No, wait-make him buy his own damn copy!) Petty pride, laziness, or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to take to have a full relationship with you.
A healthy man will not try to have power over you.He won't leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Or make you feel that you have to disappear for a few days to recover the power you once had. Even if he has more money, status, and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. A healthy man is willing to take you into account instead of pushing you away. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision making. Because you matter, he does not want to have undue influence or control over you. And he can trust that he is loved, even when he is not in charge. When it comes to who takes care of whom, and who makes the decisions, and who gets the last say, he is willing to negotiate (because really, all of life is a little like Let's Make a Deal).
I really enjoyed this article--containing a great list of what to look for in finding men who are healthy in all aspects. It's definitely something I needed to read and something I need to be aware of in my relationships. (I seem to so easily get involved with "Mr. Wrongs" or in disfuncitonal relationships.)
How to Spot a Great Guy - The 10 essential things to look for
by Dr. Bethany Marshall (from an article on ivillage.com)
We all want to find a great guy. But let's face it—how many of your exes seemed fantastic at first, only for you to find out later they were Mr. Wrongs? Well, no more bad boys, mama's boys, or anything of the sort! Dr. Bethany Marshall shares her shopping list for a healthy man in this excerpt from her book, Deal Breakers.
When you first meet a man, whether it's online, at the grocery store, at a bar, at school, or at your job, you should feel that he wants you.It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment, curiosity, or attention to detail. And it must, within a short amount of time, be conveyed in person-not online, through a text message, or on the phone. And definitely, it should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. If he's not interested enough to call in advance and make a plan, he's not interested enough to invest his emotions in a relationship. Conversely, constant calling, e-mailing, and text-messaging is not true contact. He cannot touch you, see you, adore you, or get to know you through words on a screen or over the phone.
Soon after meeting him, you should discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life.For instance, if he went to college he now has a good job. Or a decent car. If he inherited his parents' business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. Or if he is a member of a baseball team, he has learned to become a team player. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges, or new possessions. Thus, he is progressing and not degenerating.
If he's a healthy man, he will never make plans for the future that he does not intend to back up.And he will certainly not say, “I'm not sure where this relationship is going,” and then continue to call you... He will not send messages that are confusing and difficult to decipher. A healthy man says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at two in the morning because you fear that he is out with another girl. Or find yourself in a situation where he claims to want to get married , but you are the only one who is planning the wedding and paying for the caterer.
If you are in the right relationship, it will feel reciprocal and mutual.When you offer emotional support, is he appreciative? Does he give back by surprising you with a special little something? Or remembering your favorite drink? Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? For instance, if you set aside a Saturday night, will he make an entertainment plan that is enjoyable for both of you? If your car breaks down, will he come and get you? If you have a problem, will he help you? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give-and-take. And what is given and received should feel of equal value. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages or e-mails, occasional plans, or the assurance that you won't be
alone on a Saturday night, you are not getting what you need.
If he's the right guy for you, he will have good friends and you will like who he is when he's with them.Whether he's at the bar, at a tailgate party, or running for political office, you are confident that he is the man you know and love, both with you or apart from you. When he's out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. For instance, a player. Or a jerk. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be-charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.
If he's a healthy man, he will like you for who you are.Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. For instance, you dress a certain way and he refuses to hold you or compliment you. Or you gain weight and he stops having sex with you. Does he take pleasure in you, whether you look sexy in your low-rider jeans or have just gotten out of
bed? Does he spend time with your family because he knows that you are a part of them? Is he interested in your spirituality? Or do you feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold on to his approval? Even when it comes to your sexual preferences, you should feel free to reveal yourself without fear of losing his affection.
A healthy man will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself.Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. For instance, he will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what. And he would never refuse to call, refuse to be nice, or walk out the door without quickly returning-simply because you shared your concerns with him.
A healthy man has a learning curve.For instance, if you tell him that you need more time together or need him to stop doing something that is obnoxious, he will shift his behavior because he loves you and does not want to lose you. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them. He would never admit to a substance abuse problem and then refuse to address it. Or agree to appropriately separate from his mother (who dislikes you) but then go running back to the nest.
If he is healthy, he will seek his own solutions.For instance, if he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a twelve-step program-anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. (You could do worse than give him this book. No, wait-make him buy his own damn copy!) Petty pride, laziness, or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to take to have a full relationship with you.
A healthy man will not try to have power over you.He won't leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Or make you feel that you have to disappear for a few days to recover the power you once had. Even if he has more money, status, and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. A healthy man is willing to take you into account instead of pushing you away. He is willing to listen, meet your needs, and include you in mutual decision making. Because you matter, he does not want to have undue influence or control over you. And he can trust that he is loved, even when he is not in charge. When it comes to who takes care of whom, and who makes the decisions, and who gets the last say, he is willing to negotiate (because really, all of life is a little like Let's Make a Deal).
Some Good Advice! (And Perfect For My Mood)
From 7/29/2007
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Let your love light shine today, dear Aquarius. There is a great deal of passion in your heart that needs to be expressed. Let your romantic nature take the reins, and allow your creative nature to blossom. Be assertive with regard to the ones you love. Muster up your courage and feel free to take the lead. Be loving and caring without being smothering and clingy. Give others room to breath!
I do actually feel this way quite a bit! And yes, I always have to be careful to not be too clingy once I start to share all that love and passion!! It's just sooo easy to go overboard, because I've usually been holding it all in for quite some time. It's kind of like how some are with anger.
Aquarius: January 20 - February 18
Let your love light shine today, dear Aquarius. There is a great deal of passion in your heart that needs to be expressed. Let your romantic nature take the reins, and allow your creative nature to blossom. Be assertive with regard to the ones you love. Muster up your courage and feel free to take the lead. Be loving and caring without being smothering and clingy. Give others room to breath!
I do actually feel this way quite a bit! And yes, I always have to be careful to not be too clingy once I start to share all that love and passion!! It's just sooo easy to go overboard, because I've usually been holding it all in for quite some time. It's kind of like how some are with anger.
Emotions Gone Amuck... AGAIN!
From July 2007
I'm really just not sure what is wrong with me this summer, but I seem to be hitting the same emotional brick wall over and over again... and dangit, it hurts! I am NOT a cryer, yet lately every little thing sets me off (mostly my own thoughts). I don't like not being in control of these things at all.
Some of it, I'm sure is my latest inability to cope very well with loneliness. As I get older, being single has shown its benefits often. But at the same time, I also realize how the clock is ticking and sometimes a deep feeling of loneliness hits. Usually, it lasts a day and I'm over it, back to my mostly content single life. NOT lately. I almost fear this is something I'm going through to prepare me for something else... just a gut feeling I'm having. It's not a feeling I'm liking too much. SIGH... What's this single girl to do?!
I'm really just not sure what is wrong with me this summer, but I seem to be hitting the same emotional brick wall over and over again... and dangit, it hurts! I am NOT a cryer, yet lately every little thing sets me off (mostly my own thoughts). I don't like not being in control of these things at all.
Some of it, I'm sure is my latest inability to cope very well with loneliness. As I get older, being single has shown its benefits often. But at the same time, I also realize how the clock is ticking and sometimes a deep feeling of loneliness hits. Usually, it lasts a day and I'm over it, back to my mostly content single life. NOT lately. I almost fear this is something I'm going through to prepare me for something else... just a gut feeling I'm having. It's not a feeling I'm liking too much. SIGH... What's this single girl to do?!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Emotions Gone Amuck
From June 2007
I had the weirdest day yesterday! I'm not quite sure what was up... but I was just not right. I woke up not feeling quite well. I had a bit of an upset stomach or something. As the morning progressed however, I started to feel much better. Whew! But then in the afternoon, I started to feel weird again. I didn't feel outright sick, but just not myself. The weirdest part of the day kicked in as evening approached. Since I wasn't feeling all that energetic, I decided to just kick back on the couch and watch some tv (Sunday night hosts some of my favorites). As I started to get into the shows, I noticed I was becoming quite a bit emotional. There were a few scenes that could make ya choke up a bit, but I started to really cry. I realized that maybe the storyline was what got me started, but it wasn't what was maintaining this emotional outburst. I was feeling very alone and sad. This is not a usual thing for me. In fact, it's pretty rare most of the time (although this has happened before, so it wasn't new either). Anyway, I finally got a grip on things, and started to watch something different. And it started again!! For the life of me, I could not figure out what the hell was wrong with me! It's almost a bit amuzing now .
But ya know what? Sometimes a good hard cry can actually feel good in the long run. I went to bed with a "crying headache" but this morning I felt quite good. I can tell the lonliness had a little bit of an effect on me, because I felt a bit of motivation to go guy hunting today - (now that's really funny!!)
I had the weirdest day yesterday! I'm not quite sure what was up... but I was just not right. I woke up not feeling quite well. I had a bit of an upset stomach or something. As the morning progressed however, I started to feel much better. Whew! But then in the afternoon, I started to feel weird again. I didn't feel outright sick, but just not myself. The weirdest part of the day kicked in as evening approached. Since I wasn't feeling all that energetic, I decided to just kick back on the couch and watch some tv (Sunday night hosts some of my favorites). As I started to get into the shows, I noticed I was becoming quite a bit emotional. There were a few scenes that could make ya choke up a bit, but I started to really cry. I realized that maybe the storyline was what got me started, but it wasn't what was maintaining this emotional outburst. I was feeling very alone and sad. This is not a usual thing for me. In fact, it's pretty rare most of the time (although this has happened before, so it wasn't new either). Anyway, I finally got a grip on things, and started to watch something different. And it started again!! For the life of me, I could not figure out what the hell was wrong with me! It's almost a bit amuzing now .
But ya know what? Sometimes a good hard cry can actually feel good in the long run. I went to bed with a "crying headache" but this morning I felt quite good. I can tell the lonliness had a little bit of an effect on me, because I felt a bit of motivation to go guy hunting today - (now that's really funny!!)
Spiritual Energy
From 6/12/2007
I spent some quality time with my new Live Your Best Life book from Oprah Magazine last night. This time I picked an article titled "Spiritual Energy". The opening eye-catching phrase, which by the way worked, stated: "Have you ever been in the presence of something so lively, engaged, selfless, and utterly radiant, it's left you speechless?" The reason this one phrase caught my attention is that I love meeting someone who has such an effect on me. I love when I feel their soul speak to me, not just their voice and body.
This was pretty deep and heavy stuff for me at bedtime. I actually had to re-read certain paragraphs to ensure I was truly obtaining the meaning intended. But I do love the deep stuff... so once I started to really grasp the meaning of this entire article I was engrossed.
The author outlined four characteristics that are common to people with this spiritual energy:
#1-they have a palpable goodness that goes far beyond a "warm and fuzzy aura" and seems to arise from genuine integrity.
#2- they give an impression of selflessness-- a lack of concern with status, fame, and ego.
#3- their expansive, compassionate energy nurtures others.
#4- they have an amazing power of attentiveness. When in their presence you experience a feeling of being wholly acknowledged and embraced with open eyes.
What wonderful qualities to have! I'd like to say that I want to strive to be this kind of person. But I'm so far from it... it would take a lot of time and work. Yet that's not any reason to not try!
The article goes on further to explain that to obtain these qualities one must seek to be a better person by not focusing on yourself, but on others. And not dwell on the things in life that you don't have, but be grateful for the things that you are blessed with. And in return, you develop an energy within and about you that is capable of such a better connection with those in your presence.
If I could get anywhere near those traits, I would be amazed and grateful. It would be such a positive, life changing thing! Another goal too, would be to meet someone who has embraced all of these qualities and make them my next new hero!
I spent some quality time with my new Live Your Best Life book from Oprah Magazine last night. This time I picked an article titled "Spiritual Energy". The opening eye-catching phrase, which by the way worked, stated: "Have you ever been in the presence of something so lively, engaged, selfless, and utterly radiant, it's left you speechless?" The reason this one phrase caught my attention is that I love meeting someone who has such an effect on me. I love when I feel their soul speak to me, not just their voice and body.
This was pretty deep and heavy stuff for me at bedtime. I actually had to re-read certain paragraphs to ensure I was truly obtaining the meaning intended. But I do love the deep stuff... so once I started to really grasp the meaning of this entire article I was engrossed.
The author outlined four characteristics that are common to people with this spiritual energy:
#1-they have a palpable goodness that goes far beyond a "warm and fuzzy aura" and seems to arise from genuine integrity.
#2- they give an impression of selflessness-- a lack of concern with status, fame, and ego.
#3- their expansive, compassionate energy nurtures others.
#4- they have an amazing power of attentiveness. When in their presence you experience a feeling of being wholly acknowledged and embraced with open eyes.
What wonderful qualities to have! I'd like to say that I want to strive to be this kind of person. But I'm so far from it... it would take a lot of time and work. Yet that's not any reason to not try!
The article goes on further to explain that to obtain these qualities one must seek to be a better person by not focusing on yourself, but on others. And not dwell on the things in life that you don't have, but be grateful for the things that you are blessed with. And in return, you develop an energy within and about you that is capable of such a better connection with those in your presence.
If I could get anywhere near those traits, I would be amazed and grateful. It would be such a positive, life changing thing! Another goal too, would be to meet someone who has embraced all of these qualities and make them my next new hero!
Live Your Best Life
From 6/2007
Not too long ago, I received an offer in the mail to purchase a book put together by the Oprah Magazine. This book contained the "best of" all the Live Your Best Life articles that have been published in her monthly magazine. I've always loved the Oprah Magazine and so I was highly tempted.... and after waiting a week or so, I gave in and ordered it. Well... IT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!! I was quite excited and became even more so when I opened it up and saw that the pages were so bright and colorful. They look just like the magazine articles except they are printed on nice thick paper and put together in a hardbound book. I can't wait to really get into it. I don't plan on reading it cover to cover, but instead just picking out articles here and there based on my interest at the moment. I actually read one right off the bat about finding a way to be active when you really hate exercising (that's definitely me). As I read ones that really hit me, I'll try to write about them here.
One other great thing about this purchase is that all the proceeds go to Oprah's Angel Network. If I ever win the lottery, I really do want to give some to her charity. I think she does great things with it! I also got a free canvas book bag, which is a fun bonus -- like I don't have a ton of those canvas bags from the various conferences and trainings I've been to. But I don't have an Oprah, Live Your Best Life one!
Not too long ago, I received an offer in the mail to purchase a book put together by the Oprah Magazine. This book contained the "best of" all the Live Your Best Life articles that have been published in her monthly magazine. I've always loved the Oprah Magazine and so I was highly tempted.... and after waiting a week or so, I gave in and ordered it. Well... IT CAME IN THE MAIL TODAY!! I was quite excited and became even more so when I opened it up and saw that the pages were so bright and colorful. They look just like the magazine articles except they are printed on nice thick paper and put together in a hardbound book. I can't wait to really get into it. I don't plan on reading it cover to cover, but instead just picking out articles here and there based on my interest at the moment. I actually read one right off the bat about finding a way to be active when you really hate exercising (that's definitely me). As I read ones that really hit me, I'll try to write about them here.
One other great thing about this purchase is that all the proceeds go to Oprah's Angel Network. If I ever win the lottery, I really do want to give some to her charity. I think she does great things with it! I also got a free canvas book bag, which is a fun bonus -- like I don't have a ton of those canvas bags from the various conferences and trainings I've been to. But I don't have an Oprah, Live Your Best Life one!
To Mentor or Monitor? That Is The Question...
From 5/2007
I'm a bit reflective of my work this week as part of the preschool program I work for is shutting down for the summer. My thoughts have mainly been on the following:
In my daily work, I play the role of mentor and trainer as I work with the preschool teachers, helping them to become better teachers. But a huge part of my job also includes my monitoring of their work in the classroom as well as their paperwork. From time to time, even though I'm not their regular supervisor that signs their timesheets and fills out their evaluations, I have to play the bad guy and get tough when performance isn't what it needs to be.
Over this past year, I've noticed that I've had to do that a lot! I'm not sure it's really all that productive to be so critical and judgemental (even though sometimes I'm so frustrated, that it comes very natural to me to just get blunt and tell them how it is). I'd much rather spend my time mentoring and building up the teaching staff than to constantly monitor them and point out what they are doing wrong. Yet, this is what is expected of me by MY supervisors. I've had comments made that most staff are scared of me. Often it's stated in a joking manner and I do usually chuckle and say "good!" And even though I feel a good healthy respect from them is needed, I really don't want it to evolve into them not wanting to come to me for advice or help when they need it.
I'd really like to overhaul the whole atmosphere and attitude in our management team's style of managing. We should be spending more of our efforts MENTORING and less time MONITORING. Right? How to do this, when I'm not the ultimate authority, is daunting and almost impossible. But I can certainly set as a goal for myself to work more on bringing out the 'mentor' in me.
I'm a bit reflective of my work this week as part of the preschool program I work for is shutting down for the summer. My thoughts have mainly been on the following:
In my daily work, I play the role of mentor and trainer as I work with the preschool teachers, helping them to become better teachers. But a huge part of my job also includes my monitoring of their work in the classroom as well as their paperwork. From time to time, even though I'm not their regular supervisor that signs their timesheets and fills out their evaluations, I have to play the bad guy and get tough when performance isn't what it needs to be.
Over this past year, I've noticed that I've had to do that a lot! I'm not sure it's really all that productive to be so critical and judgemental (even though sometimes I'm so frustrated, that it comes very natural to me to just get blunt and tell them how it is). I'd much rather spend my time mentoring and building up the teaching staff than to constantly monitor them and point out what they are doing wrong. Yet, this is what is expected of me by MY supervisors. I've had comments made that most staff are scared of me. Often it's stated in a joking manner and I do usually chuckle and say "good!" And even though I feel a good healthy respect from them is needed, I really don't want it to evolve into them not wanting to come to me for advice or help when they need it.
I'd really like to overhaul the whole atmosphere and attitude in our management team's style of managing. We should be spending more of our efforts MENTORING and less time MONITORING. Right? How to do this, when I'm not the ultimate authority, is daunting and almost impossible. But I can certainly set as a goal for myself to work more on bringing out the 'mentor' in me.
Sunday Best
From 5/20/2007
So, today was a perfect example of one of the role's I play. I went to church today, sat amongst fellow church-goers, and participated in the services just as I have since my childhood. I enjoy having strong beliefs. I just don't always enjoy sitting in a congregation pretending to be like all those around me. You know, that "hat" that defines me as do-gooder, sweet & mild, never a harsh word leaves my mouth, etc. I have some of this in my personality naturally, but to be able to say outloud "Man, I just did not want to come to church today! I'd rather be shopping or watching movies in bed." just wouldn't fly with some of my fellow church-goers. This is when I realize I can't be myself completely while at church functions. I am a bit sarcastic and a cynic. i do sometimes gossip. And I don't always want to spend my free time in the service of others. Does that make me a terrible person? No. Just human. AND just who i am. So how do I get past the fear of judgement of others, so that I can be more of myself while at church? VERY GOOD QUESTION!
So, today was a perfect example of one of the role's I play. I went to church today, sat amongst fellow church-goers, and participated in the services just as I have since my childhood. I enjoy having strong beliefs. I just don't always enjoy sitting in a congregation pretending to be like all those around me. You know, that "hat" that defines me as do-gooder, sweet & mild, never a harsh word leaves my mouth, etc. I have some of this in my personality naturally, but to be able to say outloud "Man, I just did not want to come to church today! I'd rather be shopping or watching movies in bed." just wouldn't fly with some of my fellow church-goers. This is when I realize I can't be myself completely while at church functions. I am a bit sarcastic and a cynic. i do sometimes gossip. And I don't always want to spend my free time in the service of others. Does that make me a terrible person? No. Just human. AND just who i am. So how do I get past the fear of judgement of others, so that I can be more of myself while at church? VERY GOOD QUESTION!
The Roles We Play
From 5/19/2007
I changed the title/name of my site last night (Window's Live Spaces). I decided that since I have another blog on my Yahoo 360 page that pretty much logs my daily events and thoughts about them, that I would make this site more about my journey to finding my true self.
I have always been fascinated by human behavior, including my own. And one of the things that I notice quite a bit about myself, is how I tend to change when around different people or in different situations. This is, of course, pretty normal for everyone. For example, when we go to work, we put on our "professional hat". When we are with loved ones, we are hopefully more relaxed and layed back. And for me especially, when I go to church, I'm really reserved and pristeen.
But what I have noticed about myself is that, even from close friend to close friend, I choose to play a different role and therefore act differently. So my big question for myself is: Are all of these roles truly me? Or are some of them an act based on my fear of not wanting particular people to see my weaknesses or the fear of not fitting in? Hmmm... I shall have to ponder on this a while.
I changed the title/name of my site last night (Window's Live Spaces). I decided that since I have another blog on my Yahoo 360 page that pretty much logs my daily events and thoughts about them, that I would make this site more about my journey to finding my true self.
I have always been fascinated by human behavior, including my own. And one of the things that I notice quite a bit about myself, is how I tend to change when around different people or in different situations. This is, of course, pretty normal for everyone. For example, when we go to work, we put on our "professional hat". When we are with loved ones, we are hopefully more relaxed and layed back. And for me especially, when I go to church, I'm really reserved and pristeen.
But what I have noticed about myself is that, even from close friend to close friend, I choose to play a different role and therefore act differently. So my big question for myself is: Are all of these roles truly me? Or are some of them an act based on my fear of not wanting particular people to see my weaknesses or the fear of not fitting in? Hmmm... I shall have to ponder on this a while.
Internet Dating... Is It Really Worth the Time or Effort?
From March 2007
Last week, during my spring break, I went on a date with a guy that I met on the internet. I originally "met" him through a singles/dating site where we both posted profiles and photos. I found his profile "attractive" and from what he said, the same was true for him with mine. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks and it just so happened that he was going to be in a city nearby for work, so we arranged a time to meet. A few days before meeting, we began to talk on the phone as well. I was actually surprised at how comfortable I felt with him from the beginning. I felt our conversations flowed fairly well, for not really knowing each other. And once we met (and I shook off all the nervous jitters that go with meeting someone for the first time) the date went well. I enjoyed his company and getting to know him a bit better -- you can never really get to know someone that well through e-mail.
As I left, I briefly mentioned that I'd like further contact and he agreed. I felt the night was pretty successful overall, and looked forward to further conversations and possibly more visits. I didn't necessarily have huge plans for the two of us at that point, just a higher level of curiosity and a desire to continue to get to know him. But then the dreaded wait began. After two days of no contact from him, I began to wonder. And I know that two days really isn't all that long... but from past experience, when a date goes well, I usually either receive a call or something similar to confirm that feeling. So I decided to go ahead and call him myself. Why should he be the one to make that move? I was confident enough!! (Although I kept having the nagging feeling that I would also find out that his interest wasn't nearly as strong as my own.)
I took a deep breath and made a call to his cell phone. I timed the call so that I would hopefully catch him driving home from his week long visit for work. And sure enough I did. Initially the call was full of pleasantries and a review of how the rest of his week went. Then I just asked straight out how he felt our date went. This was when I knew he wasn't interested. Why do people (and I won't just say that guys are the only ones who do it) use the whole "I just want to be friends" line hoping to soften the blow? We all know what that really means. Just come out and say it! "I don't think we clicked like I originally thought we would." But instead he continued to give different reasons, like distance, time, etc, that would prevent him from being in a real relationship. Sigh. Again, just say... "I'm just not that into you" (quoting Greg Behrendt, from his book.)
This is actually only the second time I've gone on a date with someone that I met online. I've had lots of long term chatting relationships with guys online, but rarely do I ever meet them. And often it's because I don't want to anymore than they do. So this is why I asked the original question: Is internet dating really worth the time or effort? It has become such a popular method for meeting people. But I so far haven't found it more productive than conventional forms of meeting people. (LOL - like I'm an expert on meeting men the conventional way!)
To end on a positive note... it never hurts to try. Let me restate that... it doesn't hurt enough that I can't recover in a few days. It was kind of like a bruise. The first day the bump that would soon turn into a bruise hurt almost constantly. Then after that, it was just sore when touched or bumped. And within a couple of days all discomfort had ceased. But I can say I learn something each time I venture on a date with someone new. And usually it's something about myself... and that's not such a bad thing!
2 Comments: 1) hey hey hey all us men are not into beiing jerks = thank you very much give a guy a break lady = he he he! (john_white552).
2) I hear ya! I've met plenty of people online. Dating sites or not, and they never seem to workout. Just like the men I meet in person. I just don't think dating is for me. I hate to think I'm throwing in the towel, but NONE of my other relationships are that hard. Relationships just shouldn't be that hard. I don't think so anyway. My friends, co-workers, family, EVERY other relationship I have is very easily maintained. That's why I don't understand romantic relationships. BOO ON DATING!!!! :o) (Celia)
Last week, during my spring break, I went on a date with a guy that I met on the internet. I originally "met" him through a singles/dating site where we both posted profiles and photos. I found his profile "attractive" and from what he said, the same was true for him with mine. We emailed back and forth for a few weeks and it just so happened that he was going to be in a city nearby for work, so we arranged a time to meet. A few days before meeting, we began to talk on the phone as well. I was actually surprised at how comfortable I felt with him from the beginning. I felt our conversations flowed fairly well, for not really knowing each other. And once we met (and I shook off all the nervous jitters that go with meeting someone for the first time) the date went well. I enjoyed his company and getting to know him a bit better -- you can never really get to know someone that well through e-mail.
As I left, I briefly mentioned that I'd like further contact and he agreed. I felt the night was pretty successful overall, and looked forward to further conversations and possibly more visits. I didn't necessarily have huge plans for the two of us at that point, just a higher level of curiosity and a desire to continue to get to know him. But then the dreaded wait began. After two days of no contact from him, I began to wonder. And I know that two days really isn't all that long... but from past experience, when a date goes well, I usually either receive a call or something similar to confirm that feeling. So I decided to go ahead and call him myself. Why should he be the one to make that move? I was confident enough!! (Although I kept having the nagging feeling that I would also find out that his interest wasn't nearly as strong as my own.)
I took a deep breath and made a call to his cell phone. I timed the call so that I would hopefully catch him driving home from his week long visit for work. And sure enough I did. Initially the call was full of pleasantries and a review of how the rest of his week went. Then I just asked straight out how he felt our date went. This was when I knew he wasn't interested. Why do people (and I won't just say that guys are the only ones who do it) use the whole "I just want to be friends" line hoping to soften the blow? We all know what that really means. Just come out and say it! "I don't think we clicked like I originally thought we would." But instead he continued to give different reasons, like distance, time, etc, that would prevent him from being in a real relationship. Sigh. Again, just say... "I'm just not that into you" (quoting Greg Behrendt, from his book.)
This is actually only the second time I've gone on a date with someone that I met online. I've had lots of long term chatting relationships with guys online, but rarely do I ever meet them. And often it's because I don't want to anymore than they do. So this is why I asked the original question: Is internet dating really worth the time or effort? It has become such a popular method for meeting people. But I so far haven't found it more productive than conventional forms of meeting people. (LOL - like I'm an expert on meeting men the conventional way!)
To end on a positive note... it never hurts to try. Let me restate that... it doesn't hurt enough that I can't recover in a few days. It was kind of like a bruise. The first day the bump that would soon turn into a bruise hurt almost constantly. Then after that, it was just sore when touched or bumped. And within a couple of days all discomfort had ceased. But I can say I learn something each time I venture on a date with someone new. And usually it's something about myself... and that's not such a bad thing!
2 Comments: 1) hey hey hey all us men are not into beiing jerks = thank you very much give a guy a break lady = he he he! (john_white552).
2) I hear ya! I've met plenty of people online. Dating sites or not, and they never seem to workout. Just like the men I meet in person. I just don't think dating is for me. I hate to think I'm throwing in the towel, but NONE of my other relationships are that hard. Relationships just shouldn't be that hard. I don't think so anyway. My friends, co-workers, family, EVERY other relationship I have is very easily maintained. That's why I don't understand romantic relationships. BOO ON DATING!!!! :o) (Celia)
The Quest for a Positive, Healthy, Lifestyle
From March 2007
Not too long ago, I hit a mental brick wall. I had had it with all the negativism all around me and especially within my own thoughts. I especially notice this attitude when at work. It's such a downer! Right around that time, I was able to watch an Oprah episode where they discussed how your thoughts really can determine how your life turns out. And within a day or so, I also received an email newsletter that had all these great tips for a happy Chinese New Year. With all these things happening within a few days of each other, I just knew it wasn't coiincidence. It was time for me to make a change. And man has it been hard. It's amazing how habitual my thinking processes are. Trying to think about what I'm striving for instead of what I don't want is the hardest. Maintaining that positive purposeful outlook and getting rid of the cynicism and sarcasm is tough as well. But as I tredge on, I created this daily to do list that I have posted on my mirror. Some of these things I've gotten quite good at doing each day... others not so much.
Daily “To Do” and Reminder Checklist:
Not too long ago, I hit a mental brick wall. I had had it with all the negativism all around me and especially within my own thoughts. I especially notice this attitude when at work. It's such a downer! Right around that time, I was able to watch an Oprah episode where they discussed how your thoughts really can determine how your life turns out. And within a day or so, I also received an email newsletter that had all these great tips for a happy Chinese New Year. With all these things happening within a few days of each other, I just knew it wasn't coiincidence. It was time for me to make a change. And man has it been hard. It's amazing how habitual my thinking processes are. Trying to think about what I'm striving for instead of what I don't want is the hardest. Maintaining that positive purposeful outlook and getting rid of the cynicism and sarcasm is tough as well. But as I tredge on, I created this daily to do list that I have posted on my mirror. Some of these things I've gotten quite good at doing each day... others not so much.
Daily “To Do” and Reminder Checklist:
To Do:
- First thing in the morning, complete the following statement: My purpose today, is to ______.
- Take a 10-30 minute walk. And while you walk smile. It’s the ultimate anti-depressant.
- Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes.
- Read something, anything. Pick something positive or that will increase my knowledge.
- Make time to practice meditation and prayer. They will provide me with daily fuel for my busy life.
- Eat more foods that grow on plants (as well as fish and animals) and eat less foods that are manufactured in plants. Especially consider organic foods, whole grains, green tea, salmon, broccoli, and almonds.
- Drink plenty of water.
- Clear clutter from my house, my car, my desk, and let new and flowing energy into my life.
- Try to make at least 3 people smile today.
- Say thank you often.
- Journal about one thing I'm grateful for.
- As the day ends, complete the following statement: Today I accomplished ______.
Reminders:
- Don’t waste precious energy on energy vampires such as gossip, issues of the past, negative thoughts, or things I cannot change. Instead, invest my energy on things in the positive present moment.
- Realize that life is a school and I am here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class, but the lessons I learn will last a lifetime.
- I am the only one in charge of my happiness.
- What other poeple think of me is none of my business.
- My job won’t take care of me when I’m sick. My friends and family will. Keep in touch.
- I am too blessed to be stressed. Don’t take myself so seriously, no one else does.
- Don’t compare my life to others’. I have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Life isn’t fair, but it is still good.
- I deserve to have positive relationships that build me up and motivate me to become a better person.
Time to Set Some Resolutions... Before the New Year is Half Gone!
From January 2007
I stated in my last blog that I would be back soon to set some resolutions. And here it is half-way into January!! But anyway, here goes:
1. The usual - lose weight. lol Who doesn't set this as a resolution! But really, mine is quite simple. I seem to be on a bit of a trend of dropping a pound here or there... so now I want to make it official and shoot for a simple 5 pounds. That's it - that's all. However, the goal also has a catch. I also need to maintain that 5 pound loss. I notice that I seem to get stuck on this one particular weight (which I will not reveal to the entire cyber world), and when I lose anything, I tend to gain right back to that set weight. So, I want to lose 5 pounds, and make that my new set weight that my body tends to gravitate to. Wish me luck!
2. Um - something to do with my finances. So exact and precise, I know. But man, it sure seems like I have a lot of debt lately. A lot of it pretty legit, like hospital bills (from my surgery), a substantial house payment, school loan, etc. etc. So, my goal at this time is to really get some of those smaller ones paid off, so that I have a little bit of cash left to spend on myself.
3. Reconnect with some of my friends that I've noticed I've become distant with. Of course, I have one in particular in mind. I just don't know what to do about her! Her depression has spread to me I think -- I don't even know how to approach her anymore. It has brought such a sadness to my heart to think I've lost such a good friend. And yet I get quite angry too, because she won't take anyone's calls (not just mine) -- she won't return calls or attempt to contact any of her "old" friends. Yet, I kind of hesitate about just showing up at her house unannounced. I think I'm afraid of what I might find. Her whole household is just not in a "healthy" state. So this goal is a bit vague... mostly it's just about me needing to take action... of some sort. Sigh.
4. It is time to do some dating again. It's kind of been a while. I took a purposeful break from it all, because clearly my dating preferences had become a bit skewed. I needed to step back and reevaluate what I was really wanting and looking for. But now that I've done that, I notice I've become stuck in a very old, but familiar rut of not doing much socializing AT ALL. I seem to have this pattern of either over-doing it or not doing it at all. It's either feast or famine. (And when it's a feast - I make dumb decisions.) But really, I just miss having a bit of male influence... and attention in my life.
Alrighty, I believe 4 goals are good enough. I know that I really didn't write down specifics of how I plan to reach them. I'm not sure I even know yet. Needs more pondering. At least I've formulated what I even want to accomplish in the year, which is always a good thing.
I stated in my last blog that I would be back soon to set some resolutions. And here it is half-way into January!! But anyway, here goes:
1. The usual - lose weight. lol Who doesn't set this as a resolution! But really, mine is quite simple. I seem to be on a bit of a trend of dropping a pound here or there... so now I want to make it official and shoot for a simple 5 pounds. That's it - that's all. However, the goal also has a catch. I also need to maintain that 5 pound loss. I notice that I seem to get stuck on this one particular weight (which I will not reveal to the entire cyber world), and when I lose anything, I tend to gain right back to that set weight. So, I want to lose 5 pounds, and make that my new set weight that my body tends to gravitate to. Wish me luck!
2. Um - something to do with my finances. So exact and precise, I know. But man, it sure seems like I have a lot of debt lately. A lot of it pretty legit, like hospital bills (from my surgery), a substantial house payment, school loan, etc. etc. So, my goal at this time is to really get some of those smaller ones paid off, so that I have a little bit of cash left to spend on myself.
3. Reconnect with some of my friends that I've noticed I've become distant with. Of course, I have one in particular in mind. I just don't know what to do about her! Her depression has spread to me I think -- I don't even know how to approach her anymore. It has brought such a sadness to my heart to think I've lost such a good friend. And yet I get quite angry too, because she won't take anyone's calls (not just mine) -- she won't return calls or attempt to contact any of her "old" friends. Yet, I kind of hesitate about just showing up at her house unannounced. I think I'm afraid of what I might find. Her whole household is just not in a "healthy" state. So this goal is a bit vague... mostly it's just about me needing to take action... of some sort. Sigh.
4. It is time to do some dating again. It's kind of been a while. I took a purposeful break from it all, because clearly my dating preferences had become a bit skewed. I needed to step back and reevaluate what I was really wanting and looking for. But now that I've done that, I notice I've become stuck in a very old, but familiar rut of not doing much socializing AT ALL. I seem to have this pattern of either over-doing it or not doing it at all. It's either feast or famine. (And when it's a feast - I make dumb decisions.) But really, I just miss having a bit of male influence... and attention in my life.
Alrighty, I believe 4 goals are good enough. I know that I really didn't write down specifics of how I plan to reach them. I'm not sure I even know yet. Needs more pondering. At least I've formulated what I even want to accomplish in the year, which is always a good thing.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A PIVOTAL MOMENT FROM A PIVOTAL MOMENT
FROM THURSDAY, AUGUST 31, 2006
Tonight I met with my journal group. I really wasn't much in the mood to go, even though I was pleased with the page I had created. It has been a rough week again at work; not so much due to the heavy workload, but because I have just not been feeling like myself--emotionally. And after another day of trying to sort through my many thoughts and feelings (let alone trying to focus on getting some much needed planning for our pre-service training done) I just didn't think I could handle meeting with a group of women who seem so close to each other, yet I hardly know.
But as we sat down around the hosts living room, and each person began to read and share their experiences and pivotal moments in life, I began to notice how positive and supportive they were to each other. Everyone listened attentively to what each person had to say, made supportive remarks, and basically acted like personal cheerleaders to those sharing their thoughts. It was at this time that I feel like I had a sort of pivotal moment in the midst of everyone sharing past pivotal moments.
I have been so negative lately, and I couldn't up to this point figure out why. I had a feeling that I was actually angry about something, yet I couldn't admit to myself what I was angry about. But here were all these positive people, and it was such a contrast to my mood, that soon it started to sift away. I've always believed that when people become defensive or angry, it's usually because they are feeling insecure about something. And while driving home, it dawned on me--I have been feeling insecure about probably every single one of my friendships lately. And sadly, I have been dealing with it in a very selfish manner. One I have just been pulling away from--for quite some time. Another I have been losing patience with over all their complaining and negativism (look who's calling the kettle black). And another I have been extremely nit-picky with, pointing out and exaggerating faults. And yet even another, I've just not been very supportive in some life changes they've decided to take on.
But why? I think I'm seriously afraid of losing them, or at least some of those I referred to above. I'm afraid that with what is currently happening in theirs and my life, that I'm losing the level of closeness we've had. Isn't it so strange how we build up walls to protect ourselves from being hurt. It's actually just plain stupid.
Whew! What a big circle of realization that was... but now that I have figured it out, I sure would like to have more of what these women seem to have with each other, in my own circle of friends. And now I just need to take the steps to make it so.
Tonight I met with my journal group. I really wasn't much in the mood to go, even though I was pleased with the page I had created. It has been a rough week again at work; not so much due to the heavy workload, but because I have just not been feeling like myself--emotionally. And after another day of trying to sort through my many thoughts and feelings (let alone trying to focus on getting some much needed planning for our pre-service training done) I just didn't think I could handle meeting with a group of women who seem so close to each other, yet I hardly know.
But as we sat down around the hosts living room, and each person began to read and share their experiences and pivotal moments in life, I began to notice how positive and supportive they were to each other. Everyone listened attentively to what each person had to say, made supportive remarks, and basically acted like personal cheerleaders to those sharing their thoughts. It was at this time that I feel like I had a sort of pivotal moment in the midst of everyone sharing past pivotal moments.
I have been so negative lately, and I couldn't up to this point figure out why. I had a feeling that I was actually angry about something, yet I couldn't admit to myself what I was angry about. But here were all these positive people, and it was such a contrast to my mood, that soon it started to sift away. I've always believed that when people become defensive or angry, it's usually because they are feeling insecure about something. And while driving home, it dawned on me--I have been feeling insecure about probably every single one of my friendships lately. And sadly, I have been dealing with it in a very selfish manner. One I have just been pulling away from--for quite some time. Another I have been losing patience with over all their complaining and negativism (look who's calling the kettle black). And another I have been extremely nit-picky with, pointing out and exaggerating faults. And yet even another, I've just not been very supportive in some life changes they've decided to take on.
But why? I think I'm seriously afraid of losing them, or at least some of those I referred to above. I'm afraid that with what is currently happening in theirs and my life, that I'm losing the level of closeness we've had. Isn't it so strange how we build up walls to protect ourselves from being hurt. It's actually just plain stupid.
Whew! What a big circle of realization that was... but now that I have figured it out, I sure would like to have more of what these women seem to have with each other, in my own circle of friends. And now I just need to take the steps to make it so.
JOURNAL / SCRAPBOOKING GROUP (2) - A PIVOTAL MOMENT
FROM TUESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2006
It's time again to meet with my new Journal group (we meet this Thursday night) . This month's challenge was to journal/create a page about a pivotal moment in life. I actually thought of several different pivotal moments that I've had, but because I don't really know the women in this group very well, I decided that I didn't want to do anything too personal. So I chose a topic that has been a pivotal life-long moment: being single. I copied and pasted below the actual entry that I put inside the booklet that fits into a pocket on the right side of the page. Warning - It's quite long. The first paragraph is an exerpt from an article I read online and then the remainder is what I journaled. I also included a couple of short quotes on the page about happiness, but I don't think I'll add them to this blog, since it's going to be long enough as it is.
My Journaling: I grew up in a home and a religious culture that encouraged and expected that all participate in, at the onset of adulthood or soon thereafter, the rite of passage called marriage. It wasn’t too hard for me to comprehend as I watched six older siblings do so and start families. And as a girl in my teens, I was bombarded with mental images of what my life would be like – once I actually started it as a married wife and mother. My life’s goals were to go to college, meet my husband, get married, and start a family. Since I didn’t date much in High School, I just knew that special someone would be waiting for me at college. That’s how it happened for my siblings, so why shouldn’t it happen to me?
There were a few men along the way, some that I really liked, some that created an unhealthy partnership with me, and some that really liked me. Those were the hardest to walk away from because I wondered if I could just learn to love them as time progressed, could I make it work? I worked hard to not become negative and to maintain an attitude that each time a relationship didn’t work out, that there were things I could learn from it and there were always some great memories made. Even though I usually succeeded in looking at the brighter side of my past relationships, I still had to face the fact that I was still single. And being single equated to being of lesser worth.
Ever since my early twenties, my life has been (and will probably continue to be) filled with “a-ha” and pivotal moments that point to what my true destination in life, my single life, is to be. It took me quite a bit of these moments to realize that I needed to discard my inner belief that to be whole, I needed to be married. It has been hard sometimes when I sense a “poor lonely you”
attitude from an onlooker or peer. Or, when others try to “fix all my problems” by setting me up on a blind date. (Not that I don’t think that blind dates can’t be full of potential and not all of my blind dates have felt like sympathy set-ups.) Over the years, I have had a date or two: blind, conventional, and even ones that have come about through the internet. Some went as far as the first date – some further. But the best thing of all: I haven’t been nearly so devastated when I realized it just wasn’t working out.
Do I still desire to marry? Sure! I still become twitter-pated at the onset of a new crush and I still dream of a romantic rendezvous. But even better yet, I realize that crushes and romance are not all that life has to offer me. I have learned to look at my work as an actual career, I have regained a passion for learning and completed my bachelor’s degree, I continually try to appreciate the strong, positive relationships I do maintain in my life (they are my saving grace), and recently, I really ventured beyond what I never thought I’d do alone and bought a house.
It's time again to meet with my new Journal group (we meet this Thursday night) . This month's challenge was to journal/create a page about a pivotal moment in life. I actually thought of several different pivotal moments that I've had, but because I don't really know the women in this group very well, I decided that I didn't want to do anything too personal. So I chose a topic that has been a pivotal life-long moment: being single. I copied and pasted below the actual entry that I put inside the booklet that fits into a pocket on the right side of the page. Warning - It's quite long. The first paragraph is an exerpt from an article I read online and then the remainder is what I journaled. I also included a couple of short quotes on the page about happiness, but I don't think I'll add them to this blog, since it's going to be long enough as it is.
Table For One:
“There seems to be a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Singlehood is rapidly turning into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket. ‘Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,’ says social historian Stephanie Coontz. ‘It has its own rewards, Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore . For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.’ People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate. In fact, neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.” ~Jillian Strauss, psychologytoday.com
“There seems to be a seismic shift in the place of singles in American culture – in the lives they lead, in the way others see them and, more profoundly, in the way they see themselves. Singlehood is rapidly turning into a satisfying destination rather than an anxiety-ridden way station, a sign of independence rather than a mark of shame, an opportunity to develop a variety of relationships rather than a demand to stuff all one’s emotional eggs into one basket. ‘Singlehood is no longer a state to be overcome as soon as possible,’ says social historian Stephanie Coontz. ‘It has its own rewards, Marriage is not the gateway to adulthood anymore . For most people it’s the dessert – desirable, but no longer the main course.’ People may still be eager to meet a long-term partner, but they are a lot less desperate. In fact, neither the coupled nor uncoupled life is an automatic ticket to bliss; much depends on the achievement of meaningful life goals and quality of the relationships you create.” ~Jillian Strauss, psychologytoday.com
My Journaling: I grew up in a home and a religious culture that encouraged and expected that all participate in, at the onset of adulthood or soon thereafter, the rite of passage called marriage. It wasn’t too hard for me to comprehend as I watched six older siblings do so and start families. And as a girl in my teens, I was bombarded with mental images of what my life would be like – once I actually started it as a married wife and mother. My life’s goals were to go to college, meet my husband, get married, and start a family. Since I didn’t date much in High School, I just knew that special someone would be waiting for me at college. That’s how it happened for my siblings, so why shouldn’t it happen to me?
As I studied and played my way through two years of college, I watched as some of my friends got married. Then after earning my associates and becoming a member of the work force, I stood aside as more friends tied the knot. It was at this point that I really began to wonder what was wrong with me? I was gaining and experiencing some very rewarding friendships with both men and women, but it didn’t seem to be enough. I had a continual attitude of waiting – waiting for life to happen to me and waiting for a man to magically appear.
There were a few men along the way, some that I really liked, some that created an unhealthy partnership with me, and some that really liked me. Those were the hardest to walk away from because I wondered if I could just learn to love them as time progressed, could I make it work? I worked hard to not become negative and to maintain an attitude that each time a relationship didn’t work out, that there were things I could learn from it and there were always some great memories made. Even though I usually succeeded in looking at the brighter side of my past relationships, I still had to face the fact that I was still single. And being single equated to being of lesser worth.
Ever since my early twenties, my life has been (and will probably continue to be) filled with “a-ha” and pivotal moments that point to what my true destination in life, my single life, is to be. It took me quite a bit of these moments to realize that I needed to discard my inner belief that to be whole, I needed to be married. It has been hard sometimes when I sense a “poor lonely you”
attitude from an onlooker or peer. Or, when others try to “fix all my problems” by setting me up on a blind date. (Not that I don’t think that blind dates can’t be full of potential and not all of my blind dates have felt like sympathy set-ups.) Over the years, I have had a date or two: blind, conventional, and even ones that have come about through the internet. Some went as far as the first date – some further. But the best thing of all: I haven’t been nearly so devastated when I realized it just wasn’t working out.
Do I still desire to marry? Sure! I still become twitter-pated at the onset of a new crush and I still dream of a romantic rendezvous. But even better yet, I realize that crushes and romance are not all that life has to offer me. I have learned to look at my work as an actual career, I have regained a passion for learning and completed my bachelor’s degree, I continually try to appreciate the strong, positive relationships I do maintain in my life (they are my saving grace), and recently, I really ventured beyond what I never thought I’d do alone and bought a house.
Maybe I’ve become too comfortable with my single life and my independence. Or maybe, I’ve finally realized that I am whole, full of worth, and very happy (most of the time) with who I am all by myself. The committed, loving relationship I have with myself is the one that matters most. ~Happy Single Girl
LESSONS LEARNED AT TRAFFIC SCHOOL
FROM SUNDAY, AUGUST 13, 2006
I have only received two speeding tickets in my whole life. Unfortunately, they have both been within the past seven months. I don't think that it's because I all of a sudden have a lead foot... I think I've just been lucky enough to not get caught -- until recently that is. Just as with everything else, I took it as a sign that I needed to learn something -- like I need to learn to SLOW down! And not just when driving, but maybe in life just a bit too. It's amazing how much I have noticed (now that I'm paying more attention to my speed) that I seem to rush everywhere I go. And now that I have made a conscious effort to slow down... I'm much calmer. Even if I do arrive somewhere a mere two minutes late.
When I was pulled over and given my second ticket this past June, I was rushing from one side of town to another, on my way to one of our center sites to do a classroom observation. As usual, I was running a bit late. As a result of the ticket, I had to make a brief appearance in court, where the judge offered (didn't mandate) that I could go to traffic school for five hours on a Saturday and I could have this second ticket erased from my record. I decided it might be worth it, even though I still had to pay the fine and an additional $40 for the session of traffic school, just to avoid an increase in my car insurance. My insurance agent also advised, in a very nice way, that I might just be surprised at how much I might learn.
Yesterday was my scheduled class at traffic school. I really did hate giving up half of my Saturday, but in return I learned about more than just who should go first at a 4-way stop. Overall, the class was a bit dry. I mean there's only so much you can do to make driving laws and protocol exciting. (And we actually got out a whole hour and fifteen minutes early too!) The instructor did have quite a few clips and pictures of what can happen when people don't drive properly or safely. She warned us ahead of time that things might be a bit graphic. Since that has never bothered me, I didn't think twice about it. I learned, or was reminded of various rights of way, laws, consequences, and basic common sense practices for driving. But it was when she got to the section on wearing seatbelts that I started to feel some of the seriousness of what she was there to teach us. She showed a clip of a driver, who wasn't wearing their seatbelt, get into an accident. Their vehicle rolled, and you could see the driver fly out of the car, many feet into the air, and then land on the opposite side of the freeway where oncoming traffic sped by and over him. Immediately, I had a mental picture of what it may have looked like when my best friend,
two years ago, was in an roll-over accident that threw her from the truck she was driving. It became very hard for me to watch and maintain emotional control. The man in the video clip did not survive, but my friend did, even though she lives with the ever so challenging and permanent injuries she sustained. I am just so glad she is still with us! I learned not only that I shouldn't treat my seatbelt as unimportant, but that I should be thankful for the blessings of life, even when they look so much like trials.
1 Comment: your Blogs either make me cry or laugh, you really need to stop making me cry. I love you too:) (Dee)
I have only received two speeding tickets in my whole life. Unfortunately, they have both been within the past seven months. I don't think that it's because I all of a sudden have a lead foot... I think I've just been lucky enough to not get caught -- until recently that is. Just as with everything else, I took it as a sign that I needed to learn something -- like I need to learn to SLOW down! And not just when driving, but maybe in life just a bit too. It's amazing how much I have noticed (now that I'm paying more attention to my speed) that I seem to rush everywhere I go. And now that I have made a conscious effort to slow down... I'm much calmer. Even if I do arrive somewhere a mere two minutes late.
When I was pulled over and given my second ticket this past June, I was rushing from one side of town to another, on my way to one of our center sites to do a classroom observation. As usual, I was running a bit late. As a result of the ticket, I had to make a brief appearance in court, where the judge offered (didn't mandate) that I could go to traffic school for five hours on a Saturday and I could have this second ticket erased from my record. I decided it might be worth it, even though I still had to pay the fine and an additional $40 for the session of traffic school, just to avoid an increase in my car insurance. My insurance agent also advised, in a very nice way, that I might just be surprised at how much I might learn.
Yesterday was my scheduled class at traffic school. I really did hate giving up half of my Saturday, but in return I learned about more than just who should go first at a 4-way stop. Overall, the class was a bit dry. I mean there's only so much you can do to make driving laws and protocol exciting. (And we actually got out a whole hour and fifteen minutes early too!) The instructor did have quite a few clips and pictures of what can happen when people don't drive properly or safely. She warned us ahead of time that things might be a bit graphic. Since that has never bothered me, I didn't think twice about it. I learned, or was reminded of various rights of way, laws, consequences, and basic common sense practices for driving. But it was when she got to the section on wearing seatbelts that I started to feel some of the seriousness of what she was there to teach us. She showed a clip of a driver, who wasn't wearing their seatbelt, get into an accident. Their vehicle rolled, and you could see the driver fly out of the car, many feet into the air, and then land on the opposite side of the freeway where oncoming traffic sped by and over him. Immediately, I had a mental picture of what it may have looked like when my best friend,
two years ago, was in an roll-over accident that threw her from the truck she was driving. It became very hard for me to watch and maintain emotional control. The man in the video clip did not survive, but my friend did, even though she lives with the ever so challenging and permanent injuries she sustained. I am just so glad she is still with us! I learned not only that I shouldn't treat my seatbelt as unimportant, but that I should be thankful for the blessings of life, even when they look so much like trials.
1 Comment: your Blogs either make me cry or laugh, you really need to stop making me cry. I love you too:) (Dee)
SELF MATTERS
FROM WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 9, 2006
I have decided to read Dr. Phil McGraw's book: Self Matters. I seem to only get around to reading about 5-10 pages at a time, and it's not always daily. But so far I kind of like what he has to say. I'm just starting the 3rd chapter, so I'm really not that far into it yet. Up to this point, he has been talking about acknowledging who or what your authentic self is. And he defines that as your true self... not the person you pretend to be when around others, but what you really feel and think you are when you are alone with your own thoughts. Although he also says that we are often so busy in life that we sometimes don't even give ourselves that chance to slow down and hear what our thoughts are saying or pay attention to what we really need.
The particular copy that I have also has the companion book attached to it, which is sort of like a work book that makes you answer candid questions about yourself and think through different aspects of your life and personality. Sometimes I really like doing that kind of stuff... other times I hate it. I guess it all depends on whether I'm really in the mood to be honest with myself. Maybe I'll post a blog here once in a while on my progress through the book. It may motivate me to keep reading and progressing through it.
1 Comment: I know this comment has nothing to do with the book, but I just have to tell you what Mariah said. This week-end Dr. Phil McGraw's daughter got married; when Mariah her McGraw, she said "is that Tim McGraw's daughter." I said "No, thats Dr' Phil's daughter." She replied, "is Dr. Phil, Tim's father too?" I said "No Mariah, Tim is not in the picture," (meaning not part of the family.) she said, "what picture, I didn't see the picture", so this conversation went on for a few minutes til I just gave in and said he was the brother of the bride. She said, "well that's all you had to say." (Dee)
I have decided to read Dr. Phil McGraw's book: Self Matters. I seem to only get around to reading about 5-10 pages at a time, and it's not always daily. But so far I kind of like what he has to say. I'm just starting the 3rd chapter, so I'm really not that far into it yet. Up to this point, he has been talking about acknowledging who or what your authentic self is. And he defines that as your true self... not the person you pretend to be when around others, but what you really feel and think you are when you are alone with your own thoughts. Although he also says that we are often so busy in life that we sometimes don't even give ourselves that chance to slow down and hear what our thoughts are saying or pay attention to what we really need.
The particular copy that I have also has the companion book attached to it, which is sort of like a work book that makes you answer candid questions about yourself and think through different aspects of your life and personality. Sometimes I really like doing that kind of stuff... other times I hate it. I guess it all depends on whether I'm really in the mood to be honest with myself. Maybe I'll post a blog here once in a while on my progress through the book. It may motivate me to keep reading and progressing through it.
1 Comment: I know this comment has nothing to do with the book, but I just have to tell you what Mariah said. This week-end Dr. Phil McGraw's daughter got married; when Mariah her McGraw, she said "is that Tim McGraw's daughter." I said "No, thats Dr' Phil's daughter." She replied, "is Dr. Phil, Tim's father too?" I said "No Mariah, Tim is not in the picture," (meaning not part of the family.) she said, "what picture, I didn't see the picture", so this conversation went on for a few minutes til I just gave in and said he was the brother of the bride. She said, "well that's all you had to say." (Dee)
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