Sometimes You Just Have to Give In and Cry

Another milestone among many has come along this week: I returned to work yesterday, after 12 weeks of maternity leave. It has not been an easy task. Yesterday, Juan had the day off and so leaving Logan with him all day wasn't so bad. Of course I still missed him and it was the first time I had been away from him for more than 2 hours. It was also the first time Juan had cared for him all alone for so long -- and his comment after just a couple of hours into it was "I didn't know this was going to be so time consuming! I'm not getting anything done!" Hmmmm... sounds like my broken record.

Anyway, early this morning I had to leave Logan at his new caregiver's home. I held it together pretty well until I got in the car to head on to work. Sigh....

I never used to be much of a crier. I've always kind of hid behind some tough exterior that my whole family seems to have. None of us really show much emotion around each other, like it's a taboo. It's kind of sad really. But anyway, since meeting Juan, I've noticed that I have softened up quite a bit, which is rewarding most of the time. However, I find myself more prone to crying as well. And it tripled in force during my post partum blues - which is a whole other blog entry to write about. Crying at work is also not appealing. Thank goodness it's summer and the office is pretty quiet and empty.

Today's events... well... they do deserve some shedding of tears. Just like how I cried when Logan had his first shots a few weeks back. And I really doubt it will be the last of the tears. I think this childcare/back to work stuff will have me down for a while. And sometimes I just have to cry to actually feel a bit better.

On the positive side of things, I do get to go feed Logan during my lunch hour (which I'm allowed to take whenever I want to fit his schedule). I get to pump for breastmilk throughout the day at work without loss of time (although thats when I seem to tear up the most). And Logan seems to be in good care. I don't think we as moms are ever completely satisfied with someone else's care beyond our own. Or at least that seems to be how I feel. But his caregiver has 4 children of her own and seems to have a good grasp on caring for her small group of children in her home.

After returning to work from feeding Logan today, I said to a co-worker "I'm sure I'll get used to it and it won't be a big deal after a while." And with all of her wisdom and a smile she replied, "You never get used to it."